This was an interesting story to read. You are a GOOD story teller. You need to pay attention to language though. Some of your sentences are too short. The reader may lose interest. A point I found annoying in this story is that you changed POV. You abruptly switched from first person narrator to a third person omniscient narrator at the end of the story. Here is what you can do to make this better. 1. Fix simple errors in grammar and language. 2. Add a little dialog. Probably the narrator ta...

I enjoyed your experiment. It DOES have a ee cummings feel IMHO. You started the poem with great feeling and ended it quite nicely. Flowers found... betrayed. and To linger... sin. Wonderful lines. I look forward to more such delectable experiments.

Amazing! I couldn't stop laughing. Please make him say something more.

Good alliteration over all, its a nice collection of your thoughts. However I don't agree with the content. But that's really immaterial. I wish the poem was longer. You make an argument in the poem, if you could have extended the poem enough to explain how you have reached these conclusions it would be great. _just an opinion really_

The story Dr. Bryant tells us as he writes in his journal, begins as an erotic fantasy... Perfect! Send it.

There is great action here. Lots of action and drama, I was hooked. However I found it a bit too fast. You have covered a lot of ground in 1200 words. I don't know if this will work for Fantasy. You need to pay more attention to sentence construction and punctuation. However don't feel discouraged. You have a great imagination, work on it. Finally the mythology though related is interesting. I was willing to read on. Hope you write more soon.

Definitely a talent worth shaping here. A very narrative poem, gave me the feel of the theme. The ideas and emotions are sharp. You can describe much with less words. The story that you wove in feels nice. I like the way you have used enjambment. Do experiment with more themes, feelings and styles. Probably even rhyme, meter and alliteration. But if thats not your style don't worry, its just a suggestion. The creative process is all about exploration. I look forward to more from you. Keep Wri...

Very allegorical and great rhyme. At once gives the feeling of loneliness and dread. I like how it reads. I specifically enjoyed Lucky losers... their breath. Keep writing! Regards, Ikram

A very interesting and dramatic beginning.. I was hooked to the end. You use long sentences and though your sentences are long I didn't find them hard to follow. You choice of words is varied and adds great flavor to the story. Its a good first chapter. I am looking forward to reading the next few chapters. One place where I felt slightly uncomfortable: The repeated use of 'it'. You could probably use a name from early on to give the beast more personality. It would also be nice if this beast...

Emotionally intense and it has a very personal feel to it. I like the way you have characterized Jada. The episodes between the two sisters really make it more personal. I am somewhat vaguely reminded for Haruki Murakami when I read the way you narrative flows as it relates the personal transitions of the narrator. Even though you have used the first person the story flows. From the perspective of plot its a great start. We have enough conflicts to resolve. The writing career, loneliness, sis...