First off, I like the name change. It adds an immediate sense of that tongue-in-cheek air that you said you were going for. John Fudge is a great original name for this guy. Knowing that gives us something to smile about right away. Now it might just be my ignorance, but the “matching slouch” that he’s warring through me off. I assume it’s a hat, but maybe you could find a different word? For clarity? Again, might just be me. “femme fatale” You used it twice, and it’s not that it’s cliché, it...

Wow. One hell of a quick write/read. I love the second person view, puts me right in there. The bit at the end, about the parents coming in took me back a bit, only because I’m not a teen anymore. However, I was that kid who got the “what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-kid” look from my parents many times and recognized it right away. How did you come up with this radical piece? The idea is flooring, and I love it. If the story was to be longer, I think the second person perspective would tend to ...

Wow, this story definitely went in a direction I wasn’t expecting. I enjoyed the idea behind the story, but I found it a little wordy and because of this, it lacked flow. The ending came so abruptly that I found myself thinking, “That’s it?” I think you should consider the way the character Zee is developed. What things about him are important for us to know and what aren’t. Heidrich becomes more of an important figure then Zee in the end and I found myself wondering why we didn’t know more a...

Okay, where does it go from here? Are we talking about her face cheek or her other cheek? Or is the question part of the point? I love the visual of your love. That could be me, ha! I’m kind of left hanging, though. And the word “infinitely” falls short. Adjetives always leave the reader in charge of creating the visual, and I guess I was feeling lazy here. Going alone, enjoying being told how your love was and then…infinitely. Damn. I didn’t want to think today. What does infinitely mean to ...

Wow. This one seems like it might have been hard to write. If it didn’t come from personal experience, you sure made it feel like it did. Well done. The visual of having that helping voice on the other end of the phone is gripping. And the fact that the kids were also effected, also very engaging. From my own experience, writing poetry with rhyming stanzas needs rhythm to fully work. It sounds like you had a clear vision in the beginning of the piece and then wrapped it up quick towards the e...

Betty seems more young in her mannerisms than 28. Is there really a need to state exactly that age, or is it just a general? Sorry about my ignorance. The short bit after she buys the boots seems empty and to have little purpose. The bit about her in the Harley shop with Pete seems a bit forced into silence. There is always a lot of dialog between salesmen and their customers. I like the lack of dialog in this screenplay, but I think it will work best if Betty isn’t directly in situations whe...

An observation of truth, though I doubt its potency. This statement seems almost over done. I can see a depth on a few different levels, though it falls sort of inspiring, at least to me. That could be because it seems obvious beyond mention. On the other side of that, there are times when we all need to be reminded of the simple truths in life. The statement is in itself a positive influence, and for that it is graceful.

This is a piece worth reading, and rereading, something that draws the reader in with promises of deeper then reality moments. Nice. “Enemies pose as obsequious peers” I love this line, but something jars in it. Maybe enemies with obsequious? Love, love, love “obsequious.” Great usage of it. Twist it and see if you can’t make it slide through the mind a tiny bit easer? “Jealous missiles of hate make spirits low” Shivers, dam I love this line, beautiful visuals. Instantly connected. I like th...

“In drugs that mugs” You lost me at this line. It doesn’t make sense to me. Where does the chorus end? It doesn’t influence my opinion of the song much though. I like the song, and the chorus could be as long or short as the singer likes, or variant, it wouldn’t take from it. “I'm in every mother's nightmare. Cause I suck the best out of life.” I like this line, but I wonder if it might be more accurate if it was And instead of “Cause” I don’t know, it just seem like it could be more conclusi...

Okay, the first stanza of the poem is still my favorite, even on second read. I think that’s because it is the most concrete. Is the rest of the poem meant to be a vision of crossing over or of something more like Armageddon? For either of those ideas, I would use heavier language to reflect the heavy ideas. This piece aches for more. I like the visuals you touch on, but I want more details. The flow works with the simplistic structure you have here, but again, I would love to see this one ma...