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MrOatmeal's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 26
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 26
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48 Reviews
6 Comments
Title: Dynamite Dinosaurs Author: Tom Oatmeal Chapter 11: The Discovery Ricky and James continued to trudge through the jungles of the mysterious island in hopes of finding the remnants of their fallen airplane. As they approached a small creek, both men heard a load roar coming from behind them. They turned around and what they saw made them both rip corn shits in their pants. "Yo, it's fucking dinosaur!" Ricky shouted. As the dinosaur moved his head, James noticed that a white piece of rope...
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I like this idea a lot, but how will you trick us into thinking he's in a warehouse if he isn't? I'll give you one pointer: Don't use illustrations because that might give away the character's location.
I really enjoyed this piece. It was very well written and the descriptions are very appropriate for the theme. You do a great job at jabbing at the reader with moments of harsh reality to where it is almost cruel, but it proves to be an effective tactic. My only critique comes at the very end of this. I don't think it is important for you to say, "him" to the reader. It is too on the nose and it takes away from how the rest of the piece is written. That's just my opinion though. Great job.
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I thought that was very well written. The dialogue is original and the actions are sharp. The descriptions, in my opinion are perfect for a screenplay: short and effective. You do a great job of creating action and I could really see this scene working well on a screen. All in all, well done. I'd like to see more.
I think I'm attracted to your conscience. This is very well done. It sucks you in right away and the phrases are very original. You succeed at painting a very good picture without being blatantly descriptive.
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