Can I start off by saying that if this is your first attempt, then it shows real potential. The plot itself was ok and it did follow a strict narrative structure, however, I would have liked to see you take a few more risks within that. This could be as little as using an unusual metaphor or as much as playin around with the order that things happen. The first time that the main character speaks, i was thinking 'this dude could be good'... he sounded reckless. However he then looses his way a...

Hey, I think that your use of language is fine and you clearly have a good vocabulary. The main problem that I have with the poem is the punctuation for the simple reason that there isn't any. Line run-over is great to speed up parts of the poem when you want to build momentum, however a comma or full stop can be equally effective in drawing attention to a line. From my point of view I like the way that the poem builds, however I felt deflated at the end. The last two lines; "Happening before...

Really liked this. I thought that the 2nd and last lines of the second version could fit into the first version to make it even better. very witty and nicely done.

I cant critisize this massively as there is not all that much WRONG with it, but I do feel that it is a little bit glib. Whilse only 14 words I do feel that you could offer more depth. I think that the main problem is that I just dont believe you!! mozart

I think that u need to give more thought to rhythmm because in my opinion later in the poem u lose momentum. the format needs improving, but in general, the work is well structured and i like ur stryle!!!

Right, I think that this could do with a little work. Not much, but some. It is the last line that doesnt quite hit the spot for me. Maybe it is the change from 'you' in line 2 to 'I' in the last line that just doesn't feel comfortable. Also, Im not sure if this is appropriate with Haiku but, I think that a comma at the end of the first line would work as it would slow it down and lend more emphasis to line 2. Up to a point it reads a little bit line three seperate line of text so you need to...

Okay, I won't deny that this isn't really my favourite genre but I still found it interesting. The characters seem to interact well with eachother within the narrative, but one thing I would say is that the whole story seems very dialogue driven. I don't have a problem with this, but I do think that you could add more creativity to this, as who have in creating your alternate reality. The Dialogue seems to just slow thing down abit and be stilted and awkward, like all the characters are nervo...

Clearly a very good peom and I won't patronize you with any silly grammer/puctuation comments. It is neat and tidy with the beginning pulling through to the end. One thing that I would say is that the 'City of Light' symbolism and its relation to the story told, is obvious, but I found myself a little baffled by the sub-themes. "One last moment Of ecstasy, Before temptation Loses its embrace." I'm not sure that this makes a great deal of sense in the context that it is used. It feels a little...

Hi, I would like to start by saying that with this you have a nice descriptive premise. However I did have a few problems when I read it when it comes to rhythm and vocab. I feel that you slightly over use commas which affects the flow, making a couple of the stanzas feel a little stacato. "Calling my destiny, a choice I had not When the valley was cool, the world I was running from steamy hot" This particular couplet stick out like a dogs proverbials, in that it seems so forced into the rhym...

Hi, Being a Brit I can totally empathise with you feelings and frustrations. That is probably the problem for me, as I felt that this was more born out of frustration than creativity. Critique-wise there were some poorly chosen adjectives like, "exotic cars" which didn't really fit. Also it needs to be checked again for typoes and some coherency problems. I did enjoy it nevertheless. Cheers, Rob