Moira_Fitzpatrick's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 24
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 24
“Put every word on a trial for its life.”
Items
Version 2
6 Reviews
3 Comments
She writes my pain down on a piece of paper. The sum of my misery scribbled across the stark back of a grocery list. There is no hesitation or thought as she writes. With a swift flourish of thoughtlessness she is finished. She folds her note and slides it toward me, the used car salesman of psychics. My hand reaches across the table, hesitant and then ravenous. I rip the note open, my fingers two ravenous monsters lustful for their query. She gazes at my greed and I notice a question flicker...
Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
“You won’t get away with this,” she spat. Her chest constricting her lungs to the point of breathlessness, a corset constructed from her own flesh. Judge Maddox’s eyes, two tiny black beads, flickered but gave away nothing. His face was smooth and stoic as it always was. His years on the bench had helped him perfect a stare of blank bemusement. He gave nothing away. No turn of the chin. No crease in his brow. His lips never moved. His eyes rarely darted. Joy, nor anguish, nor furry could move...
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Reviews
Wow. What a crisply creepy yarn. I think your set up was superb. "A white house looms," etc. What is so interesting to me about this is how you managed to interject this almost bouncy light rhythm over what is a gruesome story. It reminds me of a fairy tale in that sense. I do have a question: was russell killed too or just the narrator?
If you embroidered this on a shirt I think you could probably sell millions of them. Very clever.
Not usually my cup of tea but it was very entertaining and I enjoyed it! I really like your narrator and I appreciate his dry snark. Mr. P and his dialect are wonderful. I could hear him very clearly in my head. Since I saw that you are sending this off professionally I tried to be as nit picky as I could. I took notes as I read along, so here we go. There were a couple of places where his dialect could use polishing. For example, “Right buh-fo-wa the di-vo-worse,” is a little clunky “her thr...
I sincerely thought this was going to be some sort of disaster piece. For the first two or so paragraphs I had Mr. Movie Phone’s voice in my head. And then you whip lashed me. It was very effective. “The most popular theory….in philosophy, second period.” If it was me (which it isn't) I would get rid of “second period.” It is a nice little flourish but it does make that sentence drag on just a second too long (in my opinion). “The report claimed that…which ultimately led to the explosion.” Se...
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