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MoJoRisin's profile
AGE:
39
LOC: Capon Bridge, WV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 08
LOC: Capon Bridge, WV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 08
I am an aspiring writer hoping that one day I will be able to call myself a published author. I write for the love of it, but plan on one day being published. I would ask only that my work be critiqued with an eye toward my goal of becoming an accomplished author. I accept all input, good, bad or indifferent. Hope you enjoy my work.
I don’t have very much time to dedicate to my writing. I tend to be very busy with my real job and have a special needs daughter, she has apraxia of speech and motor skills, that requires pretty much the rest of my free time working to get her where she needs to be. If I have periods of inactivity, I apologize beforehand.
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Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
Chapter 2 Mirvander cannot help but marvel at the depth of Zenador’s gift as he watches his companion practice his fine craft. After the rainfall of the previous night, there is but naught a single sign that any creature has passed this way recently, even to Mirvander’s well-trained eye. But he is not traveling with just any tracker. Accompanying him is perhaps the most skilled one to ever walk these lands. Zen, as he is known to his friends, is undoubtedly the finest in all of Bnai Bra’enth ...
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Version 1
8 Reviews
2 Comments
Jonathon gasps, his body shudders, involuntarily remembering its need for oxygen as he draws several painful breaths of cool, dank air into his lungs. Wincing, a pained moan escapes parched lips as he reaches to stop the red-hot poker that is being driven deep into his ribcage. Rather than finding relief, the movement has increased the pain tenfold. This unwanted exit from the mental purgatory he was so thoroughly enjoying thrusts him toward lucidity, forcing him to deal with the reality tha...
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This piece seems a bit too disjointed, a multitude of unrelated thoughts strewn together with no apparent purpose. To me, a short story needs to have an point or else it deteriorates into a collection of the writer's thoughts that have no correlation or direction.
I definitely would read more. You still have a few examples of long sentences that can cause the reader to lose the flow of the story. The paragraph where the Infirmarian is mixing the elixir is one of them.
Good imagery in the opening paragraphs. I can easily picture the scene up until the point he meets the taxi. A bit nitpicky, but "Then, on the eve of that third day" could be assumed to mean the night of the second day, like Christmas eve. You may want to change that so the reader isn't thinking as much about which night it is as they are about the action in the story. I think you hit your goal of a mildly humorous spin right on the head.
There is a bit too much local dialect in here. Not being from Scotland, I personally don't know what half of the slang references are unless they are obvious in context. You have to be careful not to narrow your target audience down due to regional slang. I don't really see a clear-but plot building here either. Being Chapter 1, you must give the reader a reason to turn beyond that last page of the chapter. You may want to use a section break and pull part of Chapter 2 in here, if it will exp...
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