Mishima's profile

It's a nice idea, but I didn't laugh. The middle section needs some work. Maybe make the meeting a little dorkier. "One bad dice roll" was a good line. I'd put more D&D jokes in there. Some ideas: 1) Instead of just "OK. Make a Java Skills roll", you might augment it with a bunch of complex modifiers in both directions (+2 for this, -4 for that). 2) Have one of the guys be reading a rulebook trying to one-up the boss with some obscure rule. 3) Have someone's die roll off the table, landing on...

Nice idea for a story, but I think it's too short. Specifically, the parts about her past attempts to escape are too brief. It's like, 5 years ago this happened: BAM BAM BAM, then 2 years later it was like this: BAM BAM BAM. Felt a little too summarized. I think her mind would be much more active than this if she was really delving into her past memories.

The part on page two about the college roommate seems out of place to me, since the scene seems to be about the argument with her mother and the guilt she is feeling over the death. Actually, the whole scene at the batting cages seems short. She arrives, swings the bat a few times and suddenly that guy is there. You might stretch it out a bit longer, going through her worries more thoroughly (in a longer stream of consciousness, the college roommate worries would fit in better too).