Due to what we’ll call a "technical difficulty", I was stuck at the airport waiting on a flight for over 24 hours. Unfortunately, I’d only packed enough food, cigarettes, and entertainment for about 6 hours, leaving me a large chunk of time to kill. Here’s some thoughts birthed from that boredom: - I like cooking shows, but there’s so many ingredients and directions to remember. I don’t always feel the need to season, slice, marinade, massage and cook an entire animal for lunch. I think there...

Midgets were giants In past lives that were simply Too short to recall. - This land is your land This land is my land, unless This land is water. - By implication Would not the Lord of Darkness Be completely blind? - Babies grin at me And make me pinch their fat cheeks To puke on my hand.

An invasion of pollen threatened my breathing passages while daylight brazenly pierced through my cornea. The sun's photons today were apparently set waaay past stun. There was no flat piece of land. These hills were alive with the sound of me panting uncontrollably. On foot, it took an hour to go a quarter mile in distance because you had to simultaneously go up sixty feet in elevation. An omnipresent cacophony of birds assaulted me; bickering over talon size, wing span, egg custody, bad bre...

I need a day off. I'm deciphering bar codes of shoe polish and Micro Machines when I'm ambushed with a shotgun-blasted banshee call of "ENIMAS?!" in the middle of the night. Pakistan, Idaho, Papau New Guinea, the local nursing home or East North Street - I don't know where the hell the old lady came from, but she arrived with a condemned nest of napified hair and floppity untied shoe laces, all of which somehow must have godsped her urgent mission statement. The only thing I knew about enimas...

Ah, the things we'll buy. Sports cars, flashy spinny rims, fedoras, cocaine - see I don't think women are actually turned on by these things...except maybe the latter (but then how would I know??). They want a guy with money, sure, but not necessarily the things that make it known you have it. I mean, is there something about expensive rims on cars that is an actual aphrodisiac to girls? I mean, I don't even drive at all and, hey, I'm still not a virgin. I say instead of giving them your phon...

10. Writing. I actually really hate writing. But I'm so passive and amiable in person that its the only way for me to say anything without other people interrupting and donating their crappy opinion of my crappy opinion before I've finished giving it. Also, I hate it when people ask, "Hey watcha writin'?" because it's obvious I'm not writing a letter to them since they're standing right next to me. Although sometimes I tell them I am, then ask them to leave and go see if its in their mailbox ...

10. Writing. I actually really hate writing. But I'm so passive and amiable in person that its the only way for me to say anything without other people interrupting and donating their crappy opinion of my crappy opinion before I've finished giving it. Also, I hate it when people ask, "Hey watcha writin'?" because it's obvious I'm not writing a letter to them since they're standing right next to me. Although sometimes I tell them I am, then ask them to leave and go see if its in their mailbox ...

A Satanist who thought himself to be level With his peers was treated unfair; They sacrificed him one night to the Devil, For he was dyslexic and said the Lord's Prayer. - The fabled encounter wasn't so bad; With the spider we should all sympathize: Arachnaphobic Miss Muffet had Spun a cowardly web of lies. - King of the dinosaurs the T. Rex was named But suddenly had to retire. For the Stegosaurus put on a crown and claimed That he had the proper attire. - I recently wrote a new ditty But wi...

Sure, they say you can't wish for more wishes, but could you wish for another genie? I wish I had a giant beard. I mean a full-blown, face-foresting lumberjack affair. I want flowing strands of hair dripping from my chin, like a psychotic prophet or an Amazonian aunt. I could learn to braid; maybe knit pockets and cubby-hair-holes into it for my cell phone, keys, candy, and wallet. Or to store extra razors in, haha. I could rent my beard out for the weekend, maybe start a novelty time-share f...

A Satanist who thought himself to be level With his peers was treated unfair; They sacrificed him one night to the Devil, For he was dyslexic and said the Lord's Prayer. - The fabled encounter wasn't so bad; With the spider we should all sympathize: Arachnaphobic Miss Muffet had Spun a cowardly web of lies. - King of the dinosaurs the T. Rex was named But suddenly had to retire. For the Stegosaurus put on a crown and claimed That he had the proper attire. - I recently wrote a new ditty But wi...