MeghanElizabeth's profile

"Today I wear that label with pride - though not always." Most readers will understand the meaning of this sentence, but the wording is a little odd. I would suggest something more like "I didn't always wear that label with pride." It's short, sweet, and to the point. In an introduction like this, you want to shock the reader and keep them reading, or else they'll feel like they're reading an info-dump. "Working hard to graduate as a top student from its Culture Crunching Machine called publi...

I'm guessing this is the seventh chapter of a story? While I haven't read the rest of your story, your first paragraph really grabbed me. It made me sympathize with the protagonist and made me wonder what he'd done that was so horrible. Reaching your audience and isntantly gripping them like this is a powerful tool! I like how you weave your character's thoughts and opinions about people and places as he describes them. Ex. "I entered The Brickhouse and headed toward the stairs that separated...

In the first few paragraphs, I was immediately attracted to Mulder's dry sense of humor. My favorite line on the first page would have to be "...even though people often behave with an alarming lack of intelligence and sense", even though I think the words "and sense" are a little redundant and detract from the feeling of quick wit. In the first three paragraphs you do a great deal of telling, as opposed to showing, but you keep it quick and highlight the necessary information. On the second ...