Why tell us there's 'nothing on your mind'? I think there are better ways of getting our attention than that. If you couldn't see the clock before you rubbed your eyes (which is how it read to me), you'd be driving blind. So maybe you rubbed your eyes THEN checked the clock. 'everywhere, the town'- run-on. You could changed 'seemed' to 'seeming' in this sentence to fix it. 'awkwardly forced '- all forcings are awkward, I think. Cut awkwardly and let us feel it rather than be told it. It's ver...

'lend to you'- this implies you're going to take that courage away after. Maybe 'instil' is the word. You mention 'borrowing' strength- implying a return to weakness later. I don't think that's what you mean. 'Unlock the door in which '- behind which Nice, but familiar. Needs something original to spice it up.

Okay. First, you're a pretty good writer and your dialogue is good. Page 1 didn't appear in my review queue, so I couldn't review it. Same will happen for a lot of reviewers. To combat this, I'd put up more than just one page. Put a whole scene up. After the first scene, you'd have to put recaps in the notes. You might not manage to get reviewers who'll read the whole thing.

'even passed on.'- passed on to others. I had to read it twice. 'My comment'- it's not really a comment, more a thought. A 'comment' might be when you send something in to the writer for them to see. 'Yet why should that be?'- because job opportunities are scarce, especially now. You don't want to patronise your readers as a lot of us are trying to do what we want for a living. Especially people on this website. Eventually you mention you are 'lucky'- answering your own question. 'I am just n...

'Okay, breath.'- This looks like a typo- did you mean 'Okay, breathe.'? If not, can you elaborate on that part? Is there some kind of metaphor with the credit card machine? 'Wipe' and 'swipe' came to mind as I read it, I don't know. I'm assuming there's some kind of punch-line that I'm not getting. Other than that, it's all very concise. Good grammar etc.

'“Good lord, woman!'- I think this should be your first line. Tell us the rest after it. This is more grabbing. 'devilish deli dish!”'- Good. Poetic. 'fit of pique'- Why use this twice? Kind of an obscure word (I had to look it up) but it fits the style of the character's voice. 'foil enwrapped'- why not 'foil-wrapped'? It would be more consice. Dave is a dramatic man, but I don't think your descriptions need to be equally dramatic. Thoughts could be italicised. Good story. I like the idea th...

Hm. Interesting. Not for the Brevity competiton, I'm assuming. Strife and positivity encapsulated. Quite a nice one.

'I still walk along'- run-on sentence. change the first comma to a semicolon. 'shred' is a verb as far as I know. Did you mean 'shredded'? 'wanted it.'- Full stop. Why capitalise the S in 'Sea'? 'footsteps'- one word. The meaning of this is obscured by a few grammar errors- it's difficult to point them out because I don't know exactly what is being conveyed.

'broke' and 'poor' might be different but I don't think they're different enough in this case. I think you could vary it up, and pin it more to creativity- 'still writing', perhaps- then submit it to Brevity. It'd work well.

'The enemy once lived down the street. '- I'm thinking that he might still do. Any reason you used past tense on this? 'Burying a piece of flesh '- good. War is frequently a lot more brutal than movies make out. 'We have nothing to lose. '- I'm not sure this rings true, as your whole poem shows how much everyone in the unnamed country has already lost, and continues to lose. I'm not sure if the repetitions at the start of the sentence are helping. Maybe if you changed it to 'we' and 'you' aft...