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MapleStreet's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 17
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 17
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Version 2
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If we were Gods, we could understand Men. Different languages have different ways of saying things, of switching the subject and object, giving them varying importance. This is how it is when you enter a city, state, ...
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Version 1
21 Reviews
32 Comments
Your lover's eyes are nothing like the sun- Her lips not a rose, her eyes cold as stone; When joined together, you be two, not one; And she's not a goddess, but blood and bone. Life without her will not tear you apart; Your gastly wounds will not heal with time- No passionate fire burns in your heart; But lack of love is neither sin nor crime. Your nights aren't filled with forsaken dreams That turn to ash at her soul's ghostly touch- You will cry no tears and loose no screams For the death o...
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I laughed out loud when I got to the line "I lost touch before I ever had thee." It's like Shakespeare meets bad gangster rap. At least it's got rhythm. Try throwing some details at us.
It's frightfully cliche but at the same time it's actually pretty well done frightful cliche. The ending could hit harder. Moist is the grossest word in the English language, but I think you need something darker. Wish it were the cliche could acknowledge itself, but it would change what the poem is. More general advice, don't hide behind metaphor. You've got a ton of imagery, but it's the details of the narrative that make a poem interesting. I need to know who the "you" is and why I should ...
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck you're probably on acid. Something could be done with this, but it would take more exploring.
normally i don't care too much when poems are broken this way, but this actually works. watch out for lines that don't drive the poem forward (for the, of a) and a rhyme scheme which develops and fades (which i would get rid of), and i think it can do without the last two lines and the title even though i like them (i would end with "again" and save those lines for something else, maybe make 2 separate poems, one with each line as a title). i love the language play though, especially yearn be...
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