An excellent concept. Made me feel guilty for all of the unfinished stories I have started. :) While it was well written and as I said an excellent concept, I don't see where it's going unless it has to do with dealing with unhappy actors. But it was nice work. Good luck.

While the story was interesting, pulling me right in and holding my attention, it was a bit lacking in places. “I’m OK, I’m about ten minutes from the office.... He was NOT okay and to be lying on the street bleeding and beaten, "I'm okay" is not what a very realistic thing to say. It would be more appropriate to say, "No, I have been attacked." That would be a normal response. “My god, You look terrible.”.. This is another unrealistic response. After a beating like the one you described, Mar...

What a cute poem. It brough a smile to my face. :) Poor Bob.

You have a good piece here and it looks finished to me. I saw no errors and the flow, word usage, pov, tenses, and grammar was good. The imagery was very well done. You established both cgaracters well and showed her grief and pain. The only error I saw was very minor ... while he hoisted up his suitcase ... hoisted means to lift so 'up' isn't necessary. This is good and I believe it is finished. Now I'd like to see what happens. I hope they get back together. Good luck.

Your story is very good and drew me right in from the beginning with the "offer" of a proposal. I was too busy reading to look for errors, that's how interesting it was. One thing I can point out is you are all over the place with your tenses. Past tense .... I jumped, putting the pick - robe and followed father into... Present tense .... I look back and forth at both of them, astonished - Mom looks away... Most fiction novels are in past tense so I would suggest you stick with past tense. It...

The word 'that' should be eliminated if the sentence can stand without it and I noticed you used it a few times when it wasn't needed. I would go over it and eliminate all that can be eliminated. Her name was Eliza, she was a beautiful young lady. She was about 5’5” and had a gorgeous body ..... You can tighten your work for a better flow. Edit short choppy sentences into a one good flowing sentence ....Eliza was a beautiful young lady about 5’5” with a gorgeous body . . . ...She grabbed his ...

The story was enaging from the very start. The language and imagery was outstanding. The leaves could have been dead bodies .... good stuff. The emotion was very well shown and understood. The golden haired man was quite mysterious. The images of the happy family, the hands of the graparents coming from off screen was excellent imagery. I can offer you no criticism because I see nothing to criticize so all I can give you is praise. Welll done! Bravo! Magnificent! I gave you a 10, you deserve it!

One thing I noticed is the narrators voice keeps jumping from an intelligent voice with good language skills to a hard to read diacelect. It should be one or the other and be consistent. The part about your dad was cleaver and well done. Having him back on your fourteenth birthday, clean and sobber brought a smile to my face. So you evoked emotion. Very good. The mug who devised that punishment must have been a couple of fries short of a happy meal . . . This phrase is way over used and may g...

Thank you Jay for the advice. You touched on some good points. You're writing is straightforward and to the point. I'm not sure what you're looking for. It certainly doesn't fit into fiction or novel. It reads more like an article. Nevertheless, it was interesting. I read every word and appreciate the advice. Maybe you should go to www.helium.com and post this there. It's mostly for magazine articles and where I hang out. If you drop by, type Pat Lunsford into the search bar there and all my ...

Havi's a cute character and you defined him well, and the wolf too. As for suspense . . . Not really nail-biting suspense. You painted a very tense situation, and very well I might add, but more along the lines of a children's novel. That's not meant by any means to be an unsult. It was written very well. Think of the money that 'Lion King, Jungle Book and all books of that nature have earned. I would finish this as a children's story. Someone once told me that my story was like reading a chi...