Louminator's profile
AGE:
39
LOC: Taylor, AZ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 07
LOC: Taylor, AZ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 07
Born in Spain, but raised as a military brat, I’ve never lived in one place for more than a few years. Even after my own brief tour of duty in stateside California, my roots have yet to take hold of any place long enough to live a boring and settled life. All that remains with me through the broken friendships and tattered hearts is the imagination and creativity of science fiction, fantasy, drama and comedy, that was nurtured since my youth through the writings of book and film. For years, I have written solely for myself as a pastime and a hobby. Never published. Never paid. Now, the time has come for me to write the stories that have been lying inside with heart and soul. This is the next step in my journey to become a writer.
Items
Version 1
11 Reviews
14 Comments
The goddess stood at the edge of the chamber and watched the pendulum as it inched its way closer to her token with every swing. Her time was coming. She did her best to hide her anticipation from the others. They did not notice. They never did. Their focus remained fixed on the pool in the center of the pit, their window into the world that had cast them out. Now the Twelve perched around the circular depression that dominated their eternal prison and waited for the Balance to reach their pi...
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Version 2
13 Reviews
13 Comments
There was no warning when it happened. Few had survived the attack; those that did were used for kindling to set the building on fire. Their screams had alerted a wandering patrol nearby, but it was too late. By the time the alarm had been raised and help finally arrived on the scene, there was nothing that could be done for the burning men but end their suffering with a quick and merciful thrust of a blade. This was not the work of common thieves or street thugs botching an attempted robber...
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Version 1
16 Reviews
28 Comments
It was still dark in her room when Maereth Raevern woke up. Her body was tingling as her eyes suddenly flew open. The room was silent beneath the soft, rhythmic panting of her breath. Nothing stirred, even in the cold air. She swallowed hard, forcing her respiration to slow to a more comfortable pace, which allowed her to think without panic. Something had startled her completely from her deepest sleep, though she was not frightened. Fear was not unknown to Paladins, who are considered among...
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Version 1
11 Reviews
9 Comments
Sugo gazed outside the window watching the rain from her seat. She had not seen any of her friends this day, nor anyone else from the Fellowship. It seemed as if the rain had driven them all away, but she knew the weather had little to do with their constant comings and goings. Everyone had their own affairs to attend to recently, and it rarely included her. The waitress appeared and reached down for the empty bowl in front of Sugo, asking "Would you care for another helping, dear?" The crook...
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Version 1
10 Reviews
9 Comments
IN MOURNING Wake up in mourning everyday Just like a thousand times before Seasons pass and turn to gray My world is lost, once more The future is uncertain Until I find myself here Pulling back the curtain We sense the end draws near Childhood slips away from us all Our innocence claimed by Death We've come so far only to fall Gasping for every breath The power of Good and Purity fails Beneath an iron gauntlet, crushed For all our lives we hope to prevail Who knew it would mean so much? Our ...
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Reviews
You have a strong grasp of the language. Aside from a few missed mistakes, your grammar, punctuation, and vocabulary skills have developed admirably, honed and executed by one who is a student of their craft. These are important tools to the writer; however, sharpened utensils and fine implements still require the skilled hands of an artisan. This story lacks a few key ingredients to make it a good stew. (You should go back at some point and proofread to catch some of those glaring mistakes, ...
A chapter typically allows time to develop story elements and, eventually, move the plot forward. What you have here is merely a scene; the characters overcome an obstacle in order to move on to the next. This is much too short to be considered a chapter. I am hoping there will be more to this. That said, you seem to have a fair grasp of creating good action, suspense, and pace, though it's not hard to keep a stong pace with such a brevity of words. What this really lacks, however, is any sor...
Very nice. Do you always do this good when you're drunk? ;) I have three, very small critiques to make here, which seems unfair and harsh against one who writes while intoxicated. But they are small. Wouldn't 'christian' be 'Christian'? This may have been deliberate since the narrator does not seem to think so highly of his given name, as opposed to his 'true' name. If that is the case, then there I have no qualms about it. Just curious. I would want change the last line to 'for my birthday' ...
Is it just me, or is there a graphically-sexual undertone in all of this? Or am I suffering from another Freudian slip? It didn't come to me right away until I re-read it a few more times. Maybe that just tells me that I'm reading too much into it, looking for more meaning or symbolism. Or maybe I just think too much. I usually avoid critiquing most poems simply because I do not feel qualified to critique them. Although your form and your prose seem awkward to me, they may be that special ess...
Too many sentences start with "I-". It creates a monotonous tone for me. Try to find more creative ways to vary the sentences so they don't become so repetitive. Some of the flashbacks and scene changes were very abrupt, to the point of jarring me out of an otherwise good, comfortable rhythm. Try easing into them a little smoother, if you can. The biggest problem is trying to place the reader back into the 'immediacy' of every new scene created. Sometimes you succeeded. Other times, I had to ...
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