I suppose the main issue I have with this piece is it seems unfocused and somewhat sterile. You are telling us what is happening when you should be showing. A good example is when Isabelle is trying to go to sleep. You tell us she is exhausted, she is frustrated but I don't see it. I don't feel her exhaustion or get a sense of the frustration. Even little things like: _She pounded her pillow furiously_ add to showing what is going on. I found the same thing after Isabelle read the letter. You...

A good start here. You do a good job to draw us in, keeping us curious to find out what is happening. My only issue with the piece is Jason is looking about the building but what does he see? Is it empty? Any pieces of furniture? Anything on the walls? Even if there is nothing, you should mention it, or have Jason wonder about it. Otherwise, good intro. I am curious to check out the first chapter.

This chapter reads well, for me. The pacing and flow is good. You keep Jason's confusion going without it being grating. And by bringing in Tal, you are opening the story more. But I had a hard time, with what you wrote, seeing Tal jump from Jason Bennett to Jaben. I can see the 'contraction' but you don't give enough, in my opinion, of Tal's connecting the names. And one nitpick. You have first time traveler. Wouldn't that be more plane traveler, since he changed planes? The story is moving ...

I found the piece worked well and kept my interest. Good job! There are a couple of points I want to bring up. One was continuity. .45 caliber goes through Malik unscathed. Yet later a bullet hits him in the shoulder. And he is not surprised about this? Before he hits the demons, I feel he might have a thought or two about this. As a reader, I did. My other point is formatting. Quite a few paragraphs could be split into two or three. A good example is the second paragraph. Especially, at the ...

Yeah it's rough but has promise. I'll focus on three things otherwise this review may take forever. From the onset you bring up Ace's attitude to the military and the trap he finds himself in. Yet after the first paragraph, it is not brought back. For me, this is an important thread you need to keep weaving in the story. We have no place or time. Are they State-side, stationed abroad? You do hint with when I was over here but I feel it's not enough. You don't need to spend too much time, but ...

I think this is an interesting experiment. I like the idea of using overlapping points of view to drive the story forward. Overall, I find that you did a good job of giving each of the characters a distinctive voice. The arrogance of Jennifer balances well with the down to earth Kylie. But there were times I found the piece difficult to read, especially once we hit the party. Events started to blur and I didn't know where I was at times. A couple of examples. The guy with the hair. He has hi...

I agree 100% with you. I had the privilege to visit New Orleans a few years ago and fell head over heels in love with the city. And you rightly bring up a good point, from Greg Allen. Many people know New Orleans only as the French Quarter. Not the neighbourhoods. They don't see the devastation beyond that small part of New Orleans. They don't see the intricate weave that defines the city. I was sadden by what happened after Katrina hit but it quickly turned to anger with the lack of governm...

You set up the mystery in a unique way. I like you are not using a formula here to bring in the murder and set Delia's life into a spiral. The sequence with the mother is a good touch because you quickly start to build Delia. And I like that Fern's paranoia about the world actually came true. I like the tension you have at the graveyard. And the strange happenings, with Nester. He doesn't believe that Delia went to school with Gail and is shocked she knows of him. The mystery is set. My main ...

Your piece starts with a good hook, so I was curious to read on. Things flowed reasonably well until the return of the car towards Ted. I felt that scene a little overblown. I could see some editors stopping there. For me, it read too much like a TV show. My last point is we don't get much from Ted. I know this is just the start of the novel but I found nothing compelling with Ted to pull me along. Especially since he is not fit for the job. That is something else an editor might point out. I...

First a nitpick and then I'll get into the review. It is the word luxuriated. I know the word but I don't think it works. Nitpick over. I like the way you start the chapter. The first couple of paragraphs made me feel as if I was there. And then with the children playing, you quickly give insight into the type of person Ben Fisher is. The interplay in the store is good. I like that Ben is 'playing' dumb thus gathering information and details. This is something I would imagine an agent in the ...