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Limefight's profile
AGE:
17
LOC: Oakley, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 10
LOC: Oakley, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 10
Art is sometimes enhanced, sometimes destroyed by knowledge of its creator. I think I’m boring enough to induce the latter, so I’ll keep to myself.
Items
Version 2
13 Reviews
0 Comments
the river of memory flows not in sights patchwork quilt of denim and skin sounds musique concrete of cries and groans but scents the musk of a lover's breath through a whisper the stale sting of vomit on the pavement the salty sweet first spilled all swirling and wafting like so many petals of a disagreeable flower (he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not) climbing hills descending valleys always present always silent always rising marching across continents a children's crusade to... where i am, not are...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
the river of memory flows not in sights patchwork quilt of denim and skin sounds musique concrete of cries and groans but scents the musk of a lover's breath through a whisper the stale sting of vomit on the pavement the salty sweet first spilled all swirling and wafting like so many petals of a disagreeable flower (he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not) climbing hills descending valleys always present always silent always rising marching across continents a children's crusade to... where i am, not are...
Ratings & Rankings
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Reviews
First of all, this has absolutely no chance of publication, because the name of the song (and the primary line) is almost exactly the same as "Sweet Child o' Mine." I can't help but think of that every time I read it, and it really hurts the song as a whole. Anyway, the writing is decent, if a bit predictable. The light metaphor is obviously not very original, so I found my attention wandering during the verses containing it. Also, you're write about the occasionally forced rhymes, and while ...
To tell you the truth, it was very bland. I actually had a hard time paying attention through the whole thing. It's not necessarily your writing that causes this, but the lack of a real original theme for the song. "I love everything about you" has been done many, many times before, and almost always with some kind of added twist that makes it more interesting, so seeing a song that is just that is a bit dull. Try to come up with a more creative premise. Also, and this is just personal opinio...
Political messages in music are, of course, a long, bloody tradition, but perhaps a bit more subtlety would aide your cause here. As it stands, being so obvious will serve to bring about two affects; first, people who already agree with you will continue to agree with you, and second, people who disagree with you will ignore your music. Best not exclude part of your audience, which is why I rated low in chances of publication. Now, the actual lyrics were a bit awkward. You tend to use passive...
First of all, a small issue that really doesn't have anything to do with the lyrics themselves: your line spacing is off, so it's a bit jarring to read. If you're going to rhyme each line, you should start a new one after the rhyming word. If it was poetry, then it would be up to you, but since lyrics are meant to be sung, how they are written is really just a formality, so you have no reason to not make it as easy as possible. Anyway, back to the actual song. I found the central simile very ...
First of all, most of the rhymes felt very much forced. I tend to be more sensitive to this than most people, but the fact still remains that many of the lines seemed like they were only written to rhyme with another. Perhaps you should try writing some non-rhyming lyrics, or even just writing some free verse and then tweaking the wording so that it rhymes. Either way, it would serve you better than forcing it as you appear to do now. Examples of what I mean: It’s funny how, sometimes, a stra...
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