Although I had to think for a second about whether or not I liked it, I decided that I really like this one. I don't think I'd change any part of it.

The only part of this story I was a little unhappy with was the way Watesha came out with her 'gift' to Aries. It seemed a little rushed. I think you could have built up some more suspense and made it a bit more dramatic there. I also found it a little odd that the friends were only just now telling each other how they were found as babies. If they were such great friends, maybe they would have gone over this long ago...? The story idea is interesting and fun and I look forward to finding ou...

-'I nearly felt my heart pounding out of my tight chest.' You may want to consider 'I felt my heart nearly pounding out of my tight chest.' The way it is written now reads awkwardly and sounds like the narrator barely feels his/her heart pounding, not that his/her heart is pounding so hard it may make its way through their chest. -'Of course, however, most of us do not always get what we wish for.' It would sound better to use either of course or however here. Both is a bit of overkill... -Th...

-'A mohawk came next into view, tall and flawless like an emerald saw blade that tapered down to a pair of the softest blue eyes imaginable.' This is a great sentence - wonderful descriptive writing. -'“He’ll be back, damn it, my dream was just getting good before the yelling woke me up” I growled.' It seems like the 'He'll be back' should be separated from that sentence; I think a period should replace that comma. It reads a bit awkward with just the comma there. -This caught my interest and...

-I definitely don't think this falls into the 'YA' category. I understand your desire to educate the YA crowd, but I highly doubt a publisher would consider this for YA. -That being said, I actually like how descriptive the piece is. It makes it an interesting piece to read, rather than making it feel like you're just trying to educate people through text-book methods. -'pilled out' should be 'pilled-out'. 'We made out passionately as we maneuvered each others clothes off and each of our bodi...

-'shopping bags full of colored globs' Maybe globs was a typo, excuse me if it was....but Mardi Gras beads being described in/as 'globs' does not fit or feel right at all. A glob, to me, is a liquid or highly viscous substance. . . . I would suggest 'trinkets', or 'colorful strands'. Just a thought. -'In a nest of necklaces' I really liked the description here. The image of a nest of necklaces was perfect. -So I was left wondering if this person with the bead obsession is a child or mentally ...

-'Godfrey (95%) entered his office at Bunion Blasters, the fourth finest cream for purulent foot fungi ...' I think you may want to change your wording after the comma. You say he enters the office of BB - and while I understand what you are saying - it is, I think, written a bit off. I believe that this may be better? . . . 'Godfrey (95%) entered his office at Bunion Blasters, corporation of the fourth finest cream for....' The way it is written I immediately thought, 'well, the office is t...

-I liked the first sentences of this piece. It instantly grabbed me and made me want to read more...The part about touching the clouds was a great visual, by the way. -'I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight but more of an angel flight combined with a Superman one, from the days he used to fly after Lois.' This sentence, however, read a bit awkward to me. I think I would suggest: 'I'm not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight, rather an angel flight mixed with a Superman soar, fr...

-'I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look.' You did not specify to correct grammar, but seeing as you are looking for a publishing rank, I assume you would like this published. In that case, I feel you may want grammar considered in reviews... I think you need, preferably, a semi-colon after 'at least a block' - it does not flow well at all as is. I love the description of her walking ...