Lepre_Khan's profile

It's a good start, but there a few things you can do to make it much better. First, kill every ellipsis and replace it with a dash or nothing. Ellipses look sloppy and unprofessional in poetry. Then, consider breaking the piece into stanzas when ever you repeat the "I try". Smaller blocks of text are always easier to read. Lastly, show more and tell less. Rather than, "Savory has lost its temptations And Dusted hell intrudes" Show us how savory lost its temptations and what you mean by dusted...

I think this a good idea for a poem, but it's still scattered. I understand its your dreams/last thoughts before you go to sleep but you still need to somehow link everything together. As it is the onslaught of images is just confusing and ends up feeling more like a grocery list than anything else (especially when you just list "Politics/Comedy etc..." Try to link it together, maybe a journey through your dreams and each stop along the way shows you a different scene. The clouds, the dragons...

Alright, sir! Critique on the structure. First, I think you'll be better served be breaking this up into separate stanzas. Long blocks of text can kill the flow. Then, while you could keep this in couplets, the poem will work better in quatrains. "I know that you have (known) all this, though I thought it might entice; (A chance) to hear my very thoughts, the Naughty and the Nice." Then, your rhythm is a tad inconsistent. Your first couplet doesn't have the natural break in the middle of it t...

As you say, this is an older piece and could probably afford to be reformed. First, purely technically, you have a lot of slant or non rhymes that ought to be fixed: moon/true, lie/strive, and note/grate. They're especially weak because they start and close the poem. Also technically, your rhyme is inconsistent and could use some tightening. Count the syllables and stresses. Slight variations are ok, but this is a little erratic. More generally, all your lines are self-contained which leads t...

You seem a pretty bright fellow (or lady. I wish Urbis could let us know so we don't risk being awfully rude) and so I hope this leads to future conversations. That said, I think I'm going to flat out disagree with any number of your positions (disagreement is always the best way to converse, is it not?). First, you say "writers of fiction have to be heartless" and then try to explain yourself by saying, "Good stories need conflict and conflict involves misery and only a heartless person coul...