LaylowMang's profile

LaylowMang avatar
AGE: 18
LOC: Oklahoma City, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 17

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Novel Treatments / The Multi-Faceted Dewey Dowen
Version 3
13 Reviews   0 Comments
I sat with the bridge of my nose resting in the crook between my thumb and forefinger, breathing monotonously, which I suppose is the only way you can breathe, it’s a pretty consistent pattern. A little boy with blond curly hair that was already in the waiting room with his mother before I showed up, asked again, “Are you sure I don’t have to get a shot, cuz…", the boy paused thinking of the right words to express his displeasure, "I don’t like them.” His mother reading a three month old mag...
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Short Story / Free Pizza in an hour
Version 1
6 Reviews   1 Comment
7:29: My mother hangs the hotel phone up, and calls to me while I'm sitting on the sofa, "Okay, the Pizza will be here by the latest at 8:29, because they guarantee it in an hour or it's free." She leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead, I absentmindedly wipe it off, a remnant of my younger days, and she walks out the door. My father appears out of the closet sized bathroom of the hotel room, and claps me on the shoulder, he smells heavily of cologne. The kind that's 'inspired' by bett...
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Version 2
5 Reviews   0 Comments
I sat with the bridge of my nose resting in the crook between my thumb and forefinger, breathing monotonously, which I suppose is the only way you can breathe, it’s a pretty consistent pattern. A little boy with blond curly hair that was already in the waiting room with his mother before I showed up, asked again, “Are you sure I don’t have to get a shot, cuz…", the boy paused thinking of the right words to express his displeasure, "I don’t like them.” His mother reading a three month old mag...
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Reviews
Really, really, really funny and creative. I don't know if I'm in the minority, but I always really appreciated this sort of stuff. Really inventive, good work!
Pretty good quote, although I'm more partial to "expect the unexpected." =)
I think it is very tough to convey horror, or anything remotely scary (not tense, mind you) in the first person. Because you're caught between sounding natural, and trying to create an aura of...scariness, I guess. So, at the end of it, your voice just seemed to casual. I cringed when your character said, "y'know?". The explanation about what you have to do to close the door is tedious. Simply saying, "the door was very difficult to open..." not, going into how you have to close it and all. A...
Haiku/Senryu / Untitled tanka 1
I like it quite a bit, actually. Very good at describing all the little minute things. I'm not sure if this is about a parent's child, or lover. The small and restless implies that it is a small child, perhaps having a bad dream. Then, the sweaty brow infers that maybe they were doing something, you aren't supposed to do with a child. Anyways, I liked it.
Short Story / Two Sides to Every Story
Okay. First I don't like the 'slash' in between "crush" and friends with benefits. It seems to casual, or something. I don't really know how to explain it. But my main problem is: The conversation they have about chemistry and biology, and science is just...well, boring. It's very analytical, and it's very sitting around studying. Which, I realize that is what they are doing. But it doesn't lead any where. Have more thoughts from the main character, say why she likes him, why she finds him at...
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