This is quite good. I was able to flow with the story from the start and am curious as to how this will end. The graphic detail of the murder and the way you arranged things so that the girl (wife?) got her revenge was exceptional. You have a good thing going here and I am anzious to find out what happens. I have read alot of stories containing elements of the mob and their activities. I have known a few myself, and the ruthlessness and disregaurd of life never ceases to amaze me. This is ver...

THe story line is very good and the development of the main character is good. But, the way it is written makes it hard to read sometimes. I have this problem myself and the only way to overcome it is to read each sentence aloud. I know it sounds silly because you have read it in your head many times. The thing is that when you read it aloud, you can see where you missed a word or the sentence runs together wrong. You have the makings of a great story here and I would love to read it when it ...

Okay, ya got me hooked. I need to know what happenes next. This is a very good detailed story that though leaving a gap as to the physical description of the main character-you give a very profound and detailed description of the characters state of mind. I really hope you came up with the perfect twist as to why she left. I would hate--as I am sure you would also-a lame reason for plot of why she is gone. The mental images I get when reading your story are very clear and the descriptive deta...

Is this from personnal experiance or about someone you know? IT is very profound and extreamly acturate in reguards to the emotional state one can fall into when losing a soul mate. Is this from your mind or have you lived this. I would really like to know because I see myself here twenty-four years ago. I really want to know where you plan on taking this and how you develope your character and manage his state of mind. Have you read this out loud to yourself or to someone? I know you have re...

It has been awhile since I had time to sit an read anything so I thought I would start with your part 2. I really liked part one but felt that the characters were not developing enough tto get to know. This part gives a more detailed view into Dannen's personality, as well as Valia, though hers not quite as much. There is a sense of comradery among some of the crew that is standard for those working on a ship. WHat is missing I think is that you are telling me about what the others are doing ...

This reminds me of the stories of the Hopi Indians. It is very well thought out and delivered. The imagery is very detailed and flows consistantly throughout the story. I don't really have much to say about the story itself just a few grammer errors were found. I truly enjoy reading your work and will continue as long as you write. Keep sending more/

Very good character development. I have read this twice and can find nothing wrong with it. The words and images flow steady, the mental imagry is constant. I really like what you have here so far and look forward to reading the rest. There is not much I can say in way of critquing this bit but I will say this one thing. Try not to be predictable in your events. Example: I knew that she was going to be attacked after she made her sale. The who and why is not as important as the event itself. ...

There is promise in this work. Your discriptive writing is very articulate and flows well. Dialog between brother and sister is great and the imagry is there but I did ot feel a real conection between the two. As the older sibling, in the world you have created, I think would have been either a little more simpathetic or a little more harsh with his younger sister, know the effect of her actions and dismissal will have on the family. I like your style of writing, I like the sentence structure...

Not bad. The discriptive imagry is there and as well as the mental imagry of the character. I like the fact that he works as a PI for it is a good twist. I also like the part about the ever-present flies though I think it is alittle unreallistic. Flies mean decomposition and as a vampire he is dead but no rotting. Maybe I'm wrong--never met a vampire. I like the twist in the alley and the fact that he is killed again but the way you have it written does not ring true. The vampires eyes give h...