LA_Alirie's profile
AGE:
14
LOC: Moorpark, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 01
LOC: Moorpark, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 01
Fantasy writer, two-time NaNoWriMo-er, homeschooled child and internet freak.
Hooray I’m back. Thank you for your patience, I am now available to review your work.
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Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
A rather fat man man was sitting on his chair, preparing to eat a recently plucked parrot. Three children lay around his chair. One pulled at his brightly-colored pant legs. They all wailed and scream. "Would you children stop bawling!" He bellowed. The rich man cut off the dead bird's legs with a steak knife. One of the small children rolled onto her back and started moaning like she'd been shot. The only boy of the three children crawled over to the Rich Man's chair and started ki...
Version 1
26 Reviews
14 Comments
A man is watching in the shadows. What am I doing? I am pushing Jocelyn.The man disappears. It does not matter. I look at Jocelyn, reach out to touch her as she grins at me. She frowns. I snap my hand back. "Ty 'Ellys, come in, quickly! Chicken and beans, and it's good, too," Jean calls excitedly. She's right, the beans and the chicken are great. Plain chicken breast and plain refried beans, but with enough salt and pepper to make it good. I wish there was more. "Hey, Ty 'Ellys, can I sit?" J...
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1. You mentioned attracting an agent. Publishers and agents do not appreciate prologues, for the most part. You're better off just cutting to the story. If the prologue is necessary, make sure it isn't too necessary, since readers tend to skip the prolouge. 2. "Windee was gathering together baby formula, diapers, and other items as Breez left their white-colored hut." Cut out the part about baby formula. It makes your piece controversial when it has no need to be. 3. I just LOVE the name Wind...
First off, this is wonderful. It's well written and well plotted and the dialogue is really good. I think you portrayed the guards as unsavory characters. Which, if you intended that, is just fine. They just act very casual about a death. I think it would be awfully hard to die of a cut in the wrist. Unless he bled to death, which would be a very slow death. Or if he hit a major artery.
The layout is very well thought out. "Brilliant and bright Along the edge of the horizon Like a star" Good rhythm there. The word choice needs editing, I think. "A consistent hum from the little metal objects" The word "consistent" is not the best one to use here. Neither is the phrase, "the little metal objects". I don't have a suggestion for editing this one, but perhaps remove the word "the"? Agent...I don't know anything about agents. I think it's a good piece of poetry and any good piece...
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