I love it. Every once in a while one comes across a great bittersweet story. I felt, even within this short piece, I could get some feel of what the characters' personalities were. In fact, I wouldn't mind if this was lengthened in some way, or if you wrote another stand-alone story using the same characters. I'd enjoy seeing their relationship fleshed out a bit more. "The rock ... top of a table." This sentence doesn't make sense. "... through the air; I’m not talking..." This sentence is ra...

"... the small boy, his eyes..." Start a new sentence by making that comma a period. This correction can be applied to many of your run-on sentences, which are your story's #1 problem. Your writing style is very breathless; it's like you're speeding down a hill with no brakes. Commas are speedbumps: they don't replace periods and semicolons. A giant block of text is hard on the readers' eyes. Use paragraphs to break them up into digestible chunks. You frequently describe the flames as yellow,...

Interesting anecdote, but too laden with description to truly grab the reader's interest. Half of the story is spent describing the surroundings. While that's a relevant and important part of many stories, you overdo it here. I'd like more time spent on what you did there and less on precisely what there looked like. Your method of description was also very ho-hum and lacking in colour; try spicing it up: similes, metaphors, etc. The sitting on a wasp thing has to be one of my greatest fears....

There's not much I can say about this as is, since it has an incomplete plot and most of it is narration. I will say that you've got some nice description; I could envision the setting in my mind's eye quite clearly. The (brief) dialogue between the men sounds realistic. I'd like to read the rest. Editing & Grammar: "Wooden, slat..." and "... sleepy, little..." and "... old, home made, bamboo..." Kill all of the commas. "... grew bigger and bigger with each version. "... about is as if..." "....

So I'm assuming our narrator is the one dead on the table? Well-written overall, with a couple little grammatical errors. I enjoyed your style, that of an outsider looking in. You employed first-person narration well; his thoughts added to the scene instead of bogging it down with verbose asides. My favourite part, and the paragraph that stuck with me the most: "He was the one I felt sorry for..." This really made me think, much more than any hokey medical drama on television has. In fact, I ...

You've got some very nice description; the narrative is well-written overall. I must ask myself, however, whether the world really needs another vampire love story. I can't tell from this small portion, but I'm hoping you've decided to do something at least a bit different from the norm in the rest of the story. "I felt no remorse for the boy..." This sentence didn't make much sense to me. If she truly didn't feel any remorse, why would she even mention it? If it's typical for vampires to fee...

This is an interesting series of thoughts. As a short story, though, I'm not sure what to make of it. I often feel that shorter, contemplative pieces such as this one would do well to be a part of a longer story -- a story in which something happens and characters develop. A monologue alone has significantly less impact than a monologue delivered by a character we know within the context of a story we've been following. How much greater would the emotional response from the reader be if he kn...

The prose is functional, but little else. There is a fine line between minimal and dull: I believe this piece crosses a bit too far over on the "dull" side. Turgidity is to be avoided, but personality and life must be felt. The primary troublemaker would seem to be ugly repetition. Consider how often the words "the man" show up. These were a distraction. I believe one step towards smoothing things out would involve giving the man a name. Combine that with some simple variation of sentence str...

The poetic beginning works, and I like the idea of being lost in sleep, not knowing which way to go to awake. The first two sentences of the second paragraph were especially well-done -- I like the thought, and I love the rhyme. I would caution you on the use of parentheses. In the beginning their abundance seemed to be a poetic device, which I can accept, given its limited use. But it reappears in the second-to-last paragraph. Perhaps this is an intended connection, and I am missing an impli...

Good. Stylistically, I commend you. Narrative, description, and dialogue are well-balanced. Use of paragraphing is excellent -- seems an odd thing to praise, but there does seem to be an art to it. The narration does sound natural. It could stand a bit more character, as it's a tad matter-of-fact -- but no major complaints. The first paragraph is a great hook. Now, you had me interested up until the vampire. While personal preferences vary, I am one of those who would rather not have another ...