I like this! I cried when I watched the news of her murder. What I'd try to do, because you want to make an impact, is increase the emotional value a reader can relate to, make it vivid. Take your stanzas, which are already quite nice, and add another short stanza that helps us feel this loss and how it affects us: 1) “those who loved her” - you can expand, her brothers and sisters with the same hopes and wishes for their country, maybe her boyfriend wept at her side seeing their future child...

Haven't seen Cloverfield, after your critique, I refuse. Thanks for saving me 75 minutes. This was a fantastic read. Nice use of transitions from one para. to another, "Love... Camera," to the next paragraph on annoying handheld camera. Nice description on why you thought things were ridiculous. Crazy that people outrun machine gun fire without even getting grazed. 20 minutes of backstory in an Action movie, yikes! This sounds like a really lame movie. I'm surprised at J. J. Abrams. Glad you ...

Good to start directly with the “object,” the book. I feel there are three places you can (briefly) elaborate because you create nice interest but then you leave it: 1) The book being placed on the shelf a year ago. By whom? Why? 2) Why was Wendy’s face turned away from the bookshelf as she waited? 3) What would make the husband see the book first, and then see his wife? How does one wait awkwardly? A visual would help here. You might want to let us know we are in the lounge room in Par.1 to ...

I like the way you use, “He… winter,” almost a musical refrain, but I’d suggest it be something more interesting/visual. Not sure what is meant by “inside out.” If your theme is about aging (at least in V1), maybe something to do with brittle bones/winter white. V2 - Seems to suggest the subject is dead (ashes/dust), when you have set us up in V1 that this is about old age. This verse is a bit difficult to decipher. Who is “they” who dance on his ashes? V3 - I understand the moral but this fe...

Very enjoyable, concise one-act play, basic theme of staying true to oneself. Well done on use of “magic realism.” Wish I could see this performed. Nice how you set up what we're about to observe, not a séance but a wake. Couple of things: The two girls have such prominent roles, why not give them names? You’ve done very well in that we learn a lot about them via dialogue and relationship to one another. Still I would have liked to have had a touch more description about them at the beginning...

Overall impressions: I was wondering how it would end relating to a deathbed. Perhaps this was a reference to Gulliver’s Travels. I pictured these little clowns torturing this guy and wondered where you were taking this. Then, at “… my body… waves,” I felt the clowns were a metaphor for one life’s events/experiences being relived, issues of the past getting one more pinch in before death takes over - “The past calms.” I feel you were very successful if this was your intention and if not, then...

Since you’re new to screenwriting, your script (unless you direct) is called a spec script. Never mention camera angles in a spec, that’s director’s job. You want to sell your script so give us an emotional journey through a tight story with good visualization of characters, their feelings and motivations. Slug lines - Day or Night only. In the action line that follows you can refer to what time of day it is if you feel it’s necessary. This is in every screenwriting book out there. Nice visua...

Nice, quick set up without giving too much away. I said uh-oh at “how ironic.” You kept me in a good state of wondering what was going to happen next. You don’t need to back up Calvin’s statements with “wrong.” It was distracting to figure out if he spoke this or thought this, and slowed down the read. Proofread for punctuation, “He is sobbing and, of course, whining... ” and awkward phrasing, “He whispers in a hoarsely.” Somewhat confusing to start and end the story using quotation marks for...

I like mucho. Nice capture of a moment in time and the fleeting emotion that goes with it. Loved the contrasting imagery of angel/white, beatniks/black. Personally, I would separate the longer lines: after white in the 1st sentence, after atmosphere in the 3rd sentence, after leave in last sentence. While I can get a feel for the sound of “mocha latte” and jazz music, I’m at a loss for what I’m supposed to feel by poetic elements. Maybe go with something visual there, a short description of t...

Don’t scrap this! It just needs a bit of cleaning. It has so much truth in it, it’s the type of work we need to see more of these days whether people think it’s preachy or not. So much of what we have is taken for granted, you have served our modern way of life to us point blank. Nice: carbon copy coffee shops, chrysalis of safety. The main thing I would change: capitalizing “They.” Why not start out with, “The spoiled ones sit in carbon… ?“ Right off we would know to whom you are referring a...