Only two areas I thought you may clarify a bit. 1) "Oh, handsome..." I wasn't sure who that was referring to. Did someone call you that? Or say it to someone else? After Play-Doh reference I did understand handsome referred to you. 2) I actually like your sentence style but I felt one was overdone, "Once we explained... goopier." The reason being it was difficult to follow. 1st we go from the Asian woman, to explaining how you would also get the facial, then Lori's interruption re: Christians...

A strong statement but a couple areas could be improved. 1st sentence is awkward from '… and as she pushed me….' I think you can delete and simplify: 'ankles and shoved me backwards onto the bed and went down on me.' '…getting a hold of ' is weak. Maybe divide into two sentences, 'She sucked on my lower lip then bit down…' We need to feel the power of these actions. Give us an example of what one of your frustrations with the world is, so we can feel what you feel. '… emerge from our self-imp...

Powerful. I feel emotional, socked with this person's gut feeling. Definitely a look at life unplugged. Great imagery. I visualize a beat up rogue of a man, albeit one who feels life passionately and knows the kind of pain few of us will ever know. The form of this is perfect in that it is as rebellious in nature as the speaker. Various line lengths, thick stanzas in contrast with sparse, no caps, minimal punctuation. Why bother with those details or he'd be one of us living on the East side ...

Nice piece portraying regret of choices made and no time to right them. Occasional use of dialogue stood out nicely. I'd suggest a couple more uses (see below). Check the last sentence of 1st Para.; seems awkward, maybe no need to say anything about her eyes. Nice ending twist with divorce being your idea. However, my gut reaction is - I see no benefit to this piece by placing it in 2nd person POV. By saying 'You,' you refer to 'me' and I am forced to place myself in this story but I really h...

Well-written analogy comparing a relationship to the moon. The 2nd stanza is a wonderful explanation of how the person is like the moon. You seem somewhat undecided on punctuation. If you're going to punctuate, I would add periods to the end of the first two stanzas. It's consistent with ending the 3rd with a question mark. Also a comma: 'opposite mine,' (otherwise remove all commas). Actually I kind of like it with punctuation but that's your call. The 'I' in S1, shouldn't it be lower case?

The whole idea about a killer microbe falling into terrorist hands is compelling. It reminds me of a Robert Ludlum espionage novel. I reviewed Version 1. The content of this letter is fine. Does a love relationship develop between Fox and Colvin? Because if it did, that would give me even more reason to read it. If so, you should allude to that in your letter because it would probably reach a wider audience. A great addition is how you've added credibility to your story by mentioning you stud...

Maybe instead of 'the ones responsible,' I'd say 'those responsible.' Another maybe, possibly split this sentence into two: '... biology at Indiana University. The military information...'. Again, I think your letter is intelligent and well-written. The book sounds very exciting. Nothing is a turn off.

Nice take on cynicism, however, Plastic World may not be an apt title because, how or why it's plastic is never really shown. The rhythm is all over the place but it's fixable by giving it a bit more structure. The 1st verse, with rhyming of girl and world, name and fame, is almost like a lyric, but the 2nd is more like prose. If you restructure it you might want to decide to use rhyme throughout or not at all. Or if you want to mix it up, maybe rhyme the 1st and not the 2nd but be consistent...

First my reactions: Male impregnation, water born mutations - you are intriguing right from the start. And the speaker is not alive (gah!)? He backed into the wall 'where' something blunt… Excellent description of the decomposing body, made me squirm. '… shouldn't have died' (typo) I could barely 'recognize' the funny,… ' God, he's only 16? … 'gave' one final push,… It was 'a' girl. Okay, I'm wondering, where did the baby slip out from? I'm almost afraid to find out. Oh, sad ending. I hope th...

Hope I can help a bit with some cleaning. Need slug line to tell us where we are: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY You've written the action much like that of a novel, 'he realizes,' 'he does not recognize,' 'she is aware of her effect on men.' Screenplays only show what we can see and hear. That's it. The rest has to be shown in the characters' choices and actions. We cannot see what someone realizes or recognizes. So as an example: Slim lies on the floor of an empty living room. He comes to, his eyes...