KindredSpirit's profile
AGE:
100
LOC: Honolulu, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 05
LOC: Honolulu, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 05
Hello fellow writers. My absolute passion is screenwriting. I write just about everyday and study at least two films a week. I’ve completed two feature length screenplays, one stage play, and one short film (all still in the rewriting process), and I’ve begun outlining a third feature. I’ve studied screenwriting here in Hawaii and have traveled to Los Angeles and London for seminars. As a break from screenwriting I attempt poetry and song lyrics. I think they are a good way to exercise use of imagery and of communicating an idea or story in a concise manner – a very particular requirement of screenwriting.
I really like Urbis, except for a couple of reviewers who think they have to be nasty in order to review somet…
(more)
Items
Version 1
19 Reviews
17 Comments
FADE IN: EXT. GAS STATION - HAWAII KAI - DAY About twenty rugged looking biker dudes, members of a motorcycle club, gather at the Koko Marina Chevron. From a distance they are a jumble of chrome and leather, long hair and blue jeans. Closer up, their biker fashion includes chains, dark sunglasses, chiseled muscles and tattoos. Tough guys. They REV their motors in preparation for departure. BETTY (28), somewhat persnickety, Bohemian in dress style, observes the club with great interest. ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
42 Reviews
31 Comments
You must fly from me, love. I have been warmed by your touch Far longer than we burned, And a sweeter cherry awaits your pluck. Autumn's reach has wilted my flesh, While youth springs from your loins. Ah, younger men… life has nipped my tail And the lining has begun to show. Frivolous girl, I was, dancing playfully to Lusty whispered promises in squeaky beds Where moans of determined pleasure Replaced coos of innocence. Now, I lie alone, and bellowing silence Surrounds the aching crescendo Of...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
29 Reviews
20 Comments
Even now, I try to picture your face in my mind, Yet I cannot. Bending closer to serve your coffee, I wonder why have I not noticed before today that your eyes shine the richest, deepest, chocolate brown? I have been distracted, misdirected, and would apologize, though it's more than likely you have not noticed me in the way I have most recently and absolutely without question, noticed you. Encourage me, Perhaps with only the smallest of smiles Directed my way. Speaking of which, I also ask w...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
23 Reviews
22 Comments
You must fly from me, love. A fresher cherry awaits your pluck. I have been warmed by your touch Far longer than we burned. Autumn's gaze has tired me, While youth springs from your loins. Ah, younger men… life has finally caught my tail And the lining has begun to show. My fountain sings of yesterday's memories Of dancing feet and winking eyelashes, Promises that ended soon enough In squeaky beds, Erasing coos of innocence With moans of determined pleasure. Now I lie alone with no sound To c...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
6 Reviews
4 Comments
For the longest time, I wanted to be free But I kept it so well hidden, I almost forgot, Until I looked at you, free, easy, beautiful... … and remembered. Then I felt it again, That part of me that wanted to fly, to soar, So I took a chance. I squeezed myself between the cold, black, iron bars, And opened my wings. I listened... for the wind, And waited. And it came.
Ratings & Rankings
[ View all items ]
Reviews
Great start especially considering this is your first screenplay. I can help with format. Proper formatting helps your work flow smoothly, something you really want for a professional reader. All my suggestions are meant to be constructive and encouraging. Slug lines. Try only to use Night or Day. Any further explanation can be in the action line that follows: EXT. PLAINS - DAY Wind gently blows… cloudless, azure morning sky… Avoid use of ‘Cut to,’ ‘pan,’ ‘close up.’ Camera direction is not t...
A couple of shady areas: Is Viola’s bath done while she’s in bed? I assume so (advanced MS). I thought maybe she went to the sink (“bath basin”) but then the reference is made that it takes two to get her from bed to wheelchair. Maybe she went back to bed after the bath? With her condition, she doesn’t seem able to be out of bed for a bath; maybe clarify this. Is Viola wearing a hospital gown or pants? Or is the catheter pulled through a “panty” leg? I was glad to see that though Viola suffer...
Nice ‘bunch of rhyming words.’ Maybe adjust some for better rhythm and/or to trim fat: 1) If it’s prose you want then I’m out of lines You’ve sucked my blood one drop at a time 2) Your heated endearments, false and contrived Did nothing to entice (or arouse) my carnal side. Nice structure, first stanza in 1st person of the ‘climber on,’ the 3rd stanza used as a transition to the last two stanzas with ‘Medusa’ speaking. Interesting way in showing two different points of view. One thing I feel ...
“What his captors were about…” feels a little awkward. Maybe: Fox was about to experience the same fate that his fiancée, Jessica, experienced two years ago. “Heavy drinking… “ (no ‘the’). “Fox watched a tangled… “ I got confused if you meant two years ago or now. “As his captors dragged him along a concrete floor, Fox watched exposed pipes… and counted down to his own execution.” “Presently Stechine was in…” (otherwise I think it’s Fox who you mean). Phew! I thought he was gonna be killed al...
I think the chorus is particularly strong, and concise and different enough to stand out as a well written chorus. The verses could use work, both in content as well as rhyme. Strongest verse was the last one because of the rhyming of why and cry. For a song to be memorable, easy to pick up, and easy to compose music to, it's good to decide on a structure and incorporate at least some rhyme. Maybe rhyme the 2nd and 4th line with the 8th line, or rhyme all even no. lines, or just the last two ...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People
