Okay this is interesting, even if I am left wondering what is going on. Is Johnny in her imagination? The descriptions at times make it hard to visualize what is around her. From what I read it was like she was climbing a tree, then a hill, and then she was near a riverbank. All the while Johnny is making the moves on her. I'm not sure of when this story is taking place. I'm guessing in the 17th or 18th centuries since you use the word shift for her undergarments, and by the way she talks, bu...

Okay, this is an intense story. Lacey Jean has some mental health issues it appears. It doesn't seem like her home life is bad, but she cuts herself to feel something. This is well written and engaging. I'm curious where the story is headed and I would definately turn the page to find out, which is the best compliment I can give you. Good job with this. buys me clothes, that’s where ... You don't need a comma before the word that. It is one of two conjunctions that do not require it. The othe...

There is a lot going on in these chapters. This early in a story it is better to keep it simple. In the first chapter she is with giantman and Armand, while waiting for Andalor. I think that her cousin is opinionated about her wanting Andalor, but then when Andalor shows up Armand doesn't say anything. It seemed out of character for Armand to not say anything to someone he had no love loss for. The grammar on this needs a little work. It can be a hard read at times. Things that I like about t...

Ugh. I had this long involved critique written and my power went out... I will do my best to repeat what I wrote. First, I would consider starting this out at the second paragraph and intermixing the description with the action. As it reads now, it takes a couple of read throughs to get a grasp on the setting since it is given up front and is a bit wordy with all the adjectives. For example. (Jennifer stood up from the double four poster with its ruptured canopy and sagging mattress matching ...

I like the story thus far, but there are problems with it. You are basically telling the whole story rather than showing it. For example. You tell us that Aunt Margerete is suspicious that Shoruya is abused. Why not show us these suspicions? Something like. Ronan tried not to stare at Jillian. He adverted his eyes and noticed Aunt Margarete's eyes flash to Shoruya's wrist. The quickly hidden cringe caused a spark for Ronan to look himself and see the purple and blue valiantly hidden under a d...

This isn't a bad start story wise, but I have to say that there is a lot of problems in the delivery. First, I don't understand why you are writting it in present tense. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with using present tense as a rule, I just think this would work better in past tense. Another problem is that there is too much exposition. You do far too much telling what is going on and in the introduction of the characters. There are too many characters introduced right away. I would try ...

I took notes as I read. I hope you find this helpful. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I'm always willing to expand on my critiques. been the one people would’ve to talk to (Your contraction doesn't really work here. nor the wording. I suggest something along the lines. people would talk to.) his suit jacket as microphones were adjusted as were lights and cameras (This is very wordy and passive voice. Passive voice is when the action is done to the noun instead of the noun ...

You set up the character well. Although, the interview almost seems like taking an easy way out of getting the information conveyed. I've been toying with the idea of using the same device for my third book and haven't decided if it is cheesy or not, which is why I bring it up. The end could use some polishing. You do well with building some tension during the story of what is up with the agent and the phone call, but the end section would be better, if you maybe added Orlando having enough o...

I have to say that you show the story well. You have a gift of description that I envy. You build the suspense of what is up with the Misfit and what actually happened. Great job. Below are nit picks and observations I made while reading. I hope you find this helpful. That's a long Yankee game if it's still on after closing time of a bar. The collar of his shirt was flipped upwards ... This is pasive voice. Sometimes passive voice is okay, but you could avoid it here with a little rewording. ...

This is a good opening. It leaves the reader wondering what the relationship between the narrator and Hutchins was and why the narrator had such a reaction to Hutchins death. I do however have a few critiques. The opening line... I don’t know if sexual is the right word there, because the following line describes more of an orgasmic reaction, rather than sexual. I would write it something along the lines of, “Watching Hutchins die was nearly orgasmic.” This gives a clear and concise statement...