Perhaps 'crawling with (or like) ladybugs? Seems incongruent as it is... a little light housekeeping will improve this one. Starving them out on a rich diet? Or purging them... by injesting and digesting? Hmmmmmm....

The flaw, if any, resides in the seemingly invincible spirit and moral indignation of a young girl, that relies on her personal crutch of drug use, anger, and Fruit Loops-- before and after the incident that she gives the defiant finger to. It doesn't quite add up. Morality, they say, begins with culpability. The Doritos under the bed have a companion that is well fed.

Hmmmm.... It's best to relax in a good love affair. And so it is also in affairs between pen and paper. This could use a little soul caressing to enhance the tension proposed to virgin sheets. There are places that just seem to thick and plodding to resolve into the dew- wet interlude the piece aches for. Relax.... and the words, like your lover, will come.

Hmmmmm..... I think I know where you were headed with this one, but I'm not certain that you arrived. You set up a pretext like a multiple personality disorder-- you are everyone, but no one. It would seem that more tension would drive the piece if there was a dominant personality, unsure of itself certainly-- but striving to come to grips with the other forces of inner nature.... But without that.... your piece may be eveything; but nothing at all.

Hmmmmm...... brevity and profundity are the keys to Haiku You may be able to improve it by going down a path similar to this" 'to smell Eternity in a rose' 'To glimpse Eternity in a second' Just a thought

Works as good or better than many companies downsizing schemes. As a U-tube piece this one is entirely dependent on the individual finesse and nuance of gesture established by the players. Also.... a bit more of a set up establishing Adam as a traditional corporate hack would enhance the humor as the skit unfolds.

He had it coming The prattle of his keyboard Finally at rest He will not be missed There are many more like him I wait in ambush It's God's work, really Some may shirk-- some few are called Angels of mercy Malefactors all-- Reaping a final harvest Silence of the lambs Gulp! Go get 'em Ms. de Lune. You plug 'em, I'll plant 'em. Who knows just what may grow? You always conjure interesting perspectves that give one pause to think. This is a useful thing to a stilborn world-- and worthy of honora...

Crammed into a junk drawer with the detritus of hapless bric-a-brac seems out of context with killing off, and oozing fat, and blood soaked hands. What's a meta-phor if not to help the blind to see? Better to convey the idea of one thing and see it through. I rather like the former over the latter--- rather like being out of sight and out of mind until someone finally decides to rummage around in your drawers. Just a thought...

For me, the tenses are jumbled which distracts from the piece. "What if" morphs into "what could have gone wrong" without so much as nod to transition. From there the piece consumes five stanzas of third person observations-- before zooming into the present-tense-future-tense deliberations. Perhaps that is the intention of the author-- to convey the sometimes dynamic confusion of an unsettling relationship. But who can say? Perhaps "He" wonders what would happen if "Her" thoughts settled into...