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Kahuna's profile
AGE:
43
LOC: Titusville, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 19
LOC: Titusville, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 19
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Version 1
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The Beginning Married they would be, a life spent together On the marrow next, the kiss would last forever Since they could remember, love had they shared She a golden haired maiden, he a Knight, a Kingdoms burden to bear He stood tall and proud, the King by his side The marrow had come; today she would be his bride All eyes upon her, she was beautiful over flowing with grace The words were finished, everyone waiting for the embrace Then the drums pounded, the trumpets called to arms The King...
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The premise is good but the story read more like a bio. Lana is an interesting character. There could be some cool flash backs with her relating them to your main character. The pages did flow well into each other. It just seemed you were telling the story more than your characters were. Keep working on it!!!!!!!
I understand this poem is about God, it does however remind me of trying to have a conversation with my own dad... I would like to see you work on your sentence structure: In this fast pace of life it’s easy to look away, for your daily strife is burdened and it’s hard to face each day May flow better if it was: In this fast pace of life it’s easy to look away, for your daily strife is burdened and it’s hard to face each day I know it doesn't look as nice...and thats a battle in itself but fo...
The ending just came to quick for me...you had me drawn in...great job until the abrupt ending. Your rhyming was well thought out and flowed well. I still am wondering what went wrong...and I loved the purple haze line.
Very easy read. Your choice of words were very simple but there meanings are very vivid. You really can feel the pain, joy, and suffering of this poem. Well done.
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