Johnny5's profile
AGE:
24
LAST LOGIN: June 07
LAST LOGIN: June 07
Im a 22 year old senior at FSU in Tallahassee, Florida. Im studying creative writing and am looking for constructive criticism from experienced writers and the general public. Be brutal.
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Biting Blue Teeth sunk in that deep blue rhythm, rich sax spilling notes like sex and raising the heat- eyes stung shut from sweat drops, as the bass drops, swaying in my chair drunk like slide guitar This kid on lead seducing us all with them sweet delta blues, thin spider vein fingers moving like lit trails of gasoline stale copper wound strings red like stove top burner swirls Last set last cigarette thick smoke dancing to that smooth baseline- late night notes seeping through wall cracks ...
Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
Stars by Scott George Too many voices at once in here dust draped speakers leaking out old school lounge tunes, lost melodies hiding in the laughter of blonde sorority queens six deep at dirty red booth tables, pairs of pink glittering lips waiting for diet soda and cheese fries It’s a fortress wall- liquid foundation cemented in lilac body spray handbag shields and eyeliner lances- armor by Dolce&Gabanna They file out, dragging down rhinestone sunglasses like astronaut visors, impervious to ...
Version 1
7 Reviews
1 Comment
Cajun America by Scott George We listened to blue rhythms and one man bands, vibrato and hard breath, toasting youth with fake absinthe on the strip We drank long islands and Jager bombs, smoked hash on sidewalks, weary of cops on horseback and the echo of crunched beer cups under hoofs the streets are still packed in the off season, young men from Dallas, girls from Spokane, neon cursive and body heat turning sweat thick in corner clubs, swaying drunk in bars only half enclosed like shoe box...
Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
For Braces and Miami Beach by Scott George Maybe we were the ulcers in Dad’s stomach, or the stones that turned Mom yellow or the disease that bent our grandmother like thin copper wire. Maybe we shouldn’t have ran to them each time we cut our fingers. Maybe we shouldn’t have played at night in busy streets. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone all the way to South beach, leaving them behind at barely seventeen. Maybe we shouldn’t have drank the whiskey in their closet, the good whiskey, the wedding...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
For The Masses by Scott George if only it would Ring, man, if only it would Ring, Ring like ten thousand watts in a dog’s ear through building size speakers in city streets Ring like roaring oil fires, like the echoes and screams from bottom level reverb to get the asses and elephants running Ring like limbs breaking windshields like power lines smacking sidewalks like fast channels churning up Big Easy roads, flushing out the unfortunate pale with black media cockroaches to roof tops for pub...
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I liked tbis piece very much, I really liked the flow, and how it was spaced out on the page. The way it was layed out made it read very smoothly. I felt that you used the word flight too much in the poem. when I came to the end, I was still wanting more, not almost a repeat of something un an earlier stanza.
I like this piece, it has a strong voice and its very emotion packed. You have depth to your characters. However I do have some suggestions. Some of the emotions going on here I felt were misplaced. For example, in the beginning when jane is feeling "detached" in her memory of that day, she is immediatley feeling "completely at peace. She wished she could always feel like this" in the following lines. I think these last lines should refelct her "detachedness" ( that might not even be a real w...
I liked where you were going with this at first, but I think you kinda lost it at the end. When I began this, I thought that it was going to be mostly an observation poem, which would have worked. When you started envolving the speaker's feelings about hunger and heaven, it took me out of it. Going on the beginning, I didnt feel as if this person was on this hill and looking outward because they were famished or lost or whatever, I thought they were envolved in the scenery, there to appreciat...
I like the idea alot behind this piece. I dont understand your adjective and verb choices though. "rasping" doesnt fit "bed", and "silence" doesnt "scream". Also, the repition of slower doesnt work for me. I had a distinct impression a heavy passionate sex, and the slower thing worked against it. I understand that it was coming to an end, but the word slower came on to quickly, if that makes sense. The beast reference was cool though, it worked. Shakespeare used it Othello. A few tweaks and y...
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