Jeremiah's profile
AGE:
28
LAST LOGIN: May 02
LAST LOGIN: May 02
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Version 3
12 Reviews
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In the village of Rabbits there are many holes. Every morning with the first ray of the sun, Rooster Rabbit pries open his eyes and goes around to wake up all the other Rabbits. What an important job, right? The Rabbits gather for carrot cereal, and then on most days, they begin digging holes and continue doing so for most of the day, digging and digging and digging and digging. The village with the most holes is the best village someone said so all the different Rabbit villages work to dig ...
Version 2
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...and in the end there were the most beautiful angels lain slaughtered in the greenest of meadows and the ugliest demons impaled, presumably, at the hands of those beautiful angels. And there were miracles sacrificed and gone to waste like unknown martyrs leaving bastardized saints in their wake. And somewhere trapped in some eternal loop were the echoes of screaming soldiers. And the schismatic ruin was not a sight for human eyes, with the blood of seraphs and the broken teeth and shattered...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
In the village of Rabbits there are many holes. Every morning with the first ray of the sun, Rooster Rabbit pries open his eyes and goes around to wake up all the other Rabbits. What an important job, right? The Rabbits gather for carrot cereal, and then on most days, they begin digging holes and continue doing so for most of the day, digging and digging and digging and digging. The village with the most holes is the best village someone said so all the different Rabbit villages work to dig ...
Version 3
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Kathy was a late bloomer, some rare flower that waits until mid-fall to blossom, but a blossom just the same. As a child she had been left alone on the hill by the death of her mother and taken in by her grandmother. Then it started happening again; another dying matriarch. Kathy's grandma died slowly over many years and required constant care and attention which is why at age thirty Kathy had never been on a date. She had never made love. She had dreamed about it many times. Everyday and eve...
Version 2
4 Reviews
1 Comment
Kathy was a late bloomer, some rare flower that waits until mid-fall to blossom, but a blossom just the same. As a child she had been left alone on the hill by the death of her mother and taken in by her grandmother. Then it started happening again; another dying matriarch. Kathy's grandma died slowly over many years and required constant care and attention which is why at age thirty Kathy had never been on a date. She had never made love. She had dreamed about it many times. Everyday and eve...
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first page, "smilingly" reply- i would lose smilingly for sure- "tommy was baptized in book bindings," this running metaphor through that section is badass- i feel just like this while in a library- bookstore, library, same thing, minus the currenct exchange on the previous page, the part about resting his chin on his fist to look interested while actually doing this to conserve energy, also fantastic -- "such sighs were known to shake foundations of kingdoms" - just fantastic- lol- he needed...
i like this- i just wrote a piece similar to this recently called The Painter- but my painter is more of a cynic- my painter and your painter are opposites basically- i liked this piece though - i think the idea is better than the actual piece here, but i don't mean that in an overly negative way- the next to last stanza is very strong...infinate possibilities still unframed...that's the best line in the work. i would work on the opening lines, opening stanza, it has its moments; its just the...
hey, i dig this. i see that you're under eighteen, which makes this very impressive- keep writing. this is a helluva starting point- i'm not a big fan of love poems, or "yearning" poems, not ones as traditional as this one and i was ready to be totally unmoved, but i really enjoyed it- "listening to the thoughts that graze the wind" - that is a fantastic line- i would aim to have every line as evoking as that one, eventuall, you know. that's a great line, this is a solid work overall. toast t...
furniture: it Alright, there are some grammar things, but first let me say that this a fantastic piece of writing. It shows a lot of talent. I love your comment about the run-ons. That's so funny. That makes me so mad. Anyways, the sentences are very well constructed, and for the most part are not run-ons. The sentence structure is extremely strong, but i would be careful. I'd look them over thoroughly before trying to publish. The piece develops and unfolds at a perfect pace. The rise at the...
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