JayCee's profile

I am glad to see that you re-posted this so that everyone can read the entire poem. It is fabulous and profound and sad. You had gotten my review from before but I will review it again because I love it very much. My favorite lines that hit me this time are..."Rome...home..." and "...you had learned in the blue light of the television" (very intense). It really is well written. Just so you know because it will only show when someone reviews...the font gets messed up a bit and indents your poe...

Awesome. I loved it. It is simple and profound. I see you said you are still working it and want some critique but sometimes your first flow is the most honorable and lovely. In order to tweak it, if you must, I would only suggest some small things to power up the reading in places like the following... L1: I would get rid of the ellipses (I used to be obsessed with them and found they are never taken seriously and you can leave them out or use some other punctuation to get the same effect) S...

This poem is so unique and different. I really liked it a lot. I read very fast but sort of like a mini movie. Your descriptive tone with the pomegranates and tv jingles and the character going mad made the subjects jump off the page. That says a lot for a poem! I particularly loved the end with the two years, two weeks, two days! Super! In the beginning of reading, I was going to critique that you broke the long writing up into stanza formation in order to simplify the read, but now I see wh...

This was interesting in that when I first began to read it I thought the character of the poem was annoyed that the person was there so long. Then, as I read on I saw that the character was enjoying the person's lingering presence. This was unusual, because I feel that much is said in poetry and feelings come out in words, unintended at times. There is an underlying current of slight annoyance in the beginning that I find fascinating, like the person has soooo much to get to and many errands ...

The first paragraph was the strongest of this chapter. Zahara at the beach at the end of the season was not forced and flowed easily. It did make me want to read on. Now I did not read the other chapters so that does put me at a disadvantage for a bit of the plot line for the next paragraphs so I will keep my comments directed at the semantics of your writing. I found phrases like "caramel coloured skin" and "king-size bed" and "plastic white chair" oddly too descriptive. You have a way of ad...