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Jay1989's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
I’m currently studing at LJMU. I’m in the process of creating a fictional universe under the series title of “Fingers of God”, which is a reference to the Fingers of God cosmic occurrence. I’m in the process of writing a collection of stories, both short and flash fiction, which will all be set in the Fingers of God universe. I’m also writing a few novels, all of which will be set in the Fingers of God universe.
I’ve been writing since I was 9 and I’ve been published twice (not SF, poetry and an article, but I am trying to get some SF stories published). I just stumbled onto Urbis!
If you want any advice on writing, from screenplays to novels to story structure to characters, I suggest you pick up Robert Mckee’s book called STORY.
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Version 1
13 Reviews
8 Comments
Kate Orion stared out the window of the Stormflyer in amazement. The formless hydrogen ionized clouds blew out from the thin, metallic bowled-shaped U-platforms and slowly engulfed Makil’s sphere of living tissue, its artificial epidermis absorbing the hydrogen for the slow make-up development. But the ten-year old surface landscape had already changed significantly from its pristine birth; craters had formed from asteroid battering, small icy lakes were rising ...
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First for the grammar and stuff: Since he was an air sorcerer, he always used this method to learn about events happening from far distances – you’re telling the reader here about how he always uses this method and most readers don’t want to be told stuff about a character, they want to find out as the story progress, others however may like it Every one of these warriors was a sorcerer as well. – here you’re telling the reader in such a way that its insulting to their intelligence, maybe you...
First of all "I decide he is male because of his enormous boots" - by placing the he first you have already established he is male so you don't need to tell the reader he is male again. In fact you don't need to say anything about him being male because you've already established he's male long before the sentence. Also women wear enormous boots as well so the boots angle in deciding he's male or not doesn't work anyway. The premise is good, but I think you've failed to set up the scene effec...
I'll tackle the grammer and stuff first. In the letter: "- your DNA, your cells?" - Cells are made up of DNA, so putting the DNA part in just makes the cells part redundant in my opinion. "Cells die... who knows?" - great sentence, grabs the reader's attention I think. In the story: "Karpathian’s first... he was dead" - great opener because it grabs the reader attention again, waking is associated with living so replacing it with death makes an immediately impact. "Engulfed by nothingness" - ...
I must say this a well-written piece of journalism. But I must say you should really break the paragraphs up into smaller ones so that it is easier to read and it makes the whole article flow more smoothly. In "this detrimental bill, are delusional"; there should be no comma here. In "efects of this, could be the eventual" there should again be no comma. In "Effects of this, could" there should be no comma. Also "Post-Katrina and before and utter failure in Iraq...leadership skills" is a litt...
I didn't practicularly understand this quote at first but I get what you're trying to say. Yes sometimes illusion can be just a "click" short of the truth. Thanks for sharing this and good luck with writing.
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