JaneLloyd's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Canton, MI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 26
LOC: Canton, MI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 26
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Items
Version 1
20 Reviews
26 Comments
* Twenty Years Later * They crouched behind the bush, watching, through the branches and leaves, the field which stretched out in front of them. It was mid-August and the air was thick with humidity. The droning hum of insects was growing louder as they engulfed the group like a cloud, feasting upon their skin. Chase slapped his upper arm, killing a mosquito which had finally dared to bite him, and received dirty glances from both of his companions. “What?” He a...
Version 1
10 Reviews
4 Comments
It had taken longer than he had expected to find the owner of the car Sara had hitched a ride with. City traffic had delayed them long enough that it was dark by the time they were searching the dirt roads for the address. If it hadn’t been for the fire he never would’ve noticed the rundown road set far back on what had appeared to be an abandoned field. His plan had been to introduce himself as a detective to the driver looking for a runaway that they believed ...
Version 1
9 Reviews
3 Comments
Sara woke to the same darkness she had passed out in and panic began to rise in her. No Sara, breathe. It wasn’t the same darkness; it was just a normal, night darkness. She wasn’t sure where she was but it smelled like something was rotting. The ground beneath her was some kind of straw or hay from what she could feel with her hands which were tied behind her back. She stretched out her legs to feel the area around her only to find that walls were closely surro...
Version 1
8 Reviews
3 Comments
They crossed underneath the police tape and through the doorway which had taken Colby only a few moments to open. Budget cutbacks made the risk of a cop driving by minimal but just to be safe they had brought fake badges and dressed appropriately for whatever situation they would have to manipulate. The moon was high in the sky by the time they had made it to the crime scene and successfully found their way in. Their destination was only a ten minute drive from the city in a quiet, typical su...
Version 1
8 Reviews
4 Comments
All of them gasped lightly, but it was Sara who was the loudest, a look of horror crossing her face. The four of them didn’t move, each recognizing the fact that Sara was an unknown variable. While Daniel was a trained demon hunter, as they were, he was just a man now with no more tricks up his sleeve then they had. Sara, on the other hand, was meant to be endowed with powers greater than any human or demon. There was no way for them to know how much power she truly p...
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Reviews
I became aware of my whereabouts I like this phrase but at the same time it makes me brain twitch, it's the aware and where being so close together, it feels like a repetition even though it isn't. At the same time, there is something very lyrical about this specific phrasing. I would suggest adding another sense to the abandoned meat market, if it was closed down I'm willing to bet no one tried that hard to clean it up and it would probably have a smell as well as bugs. You could add an extr...
This chapter, or piece, definitely has a different feel than the first one. I would say, and understandably, this one has a slower pace than the first chapter and that's not due to action. The first part that I read really only had one main event going on and yet it moved very quickly, we were pulled in and pushed along without much resistance. This piece, however, feels like it drags a bit and that we resist flowing with it. My first suggestion may be to scale back on some of the scripture a...
The roar of the crowd was intense. Ok, this is your first sentence to bring us into your story and the problem is it's a simple sentence. I'd suggest either merging it with the following sentence or giving it a little more substance on it's own so that your first sentence wows us and makes us want to keep going. You need only swear ‘By the Luck of Caesar,’ admit your error, and burn a small pinch of incense in tribute, and you can go free. Something about this sentence bothers me. The mood ar...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I like the use of skateboarding, since this is geared towards young adults and that's very in with them nowadays, it's a good tool to connect to them. as if she had she were imposing a punishment upon him. Just wanted to draw your attention here because it left me confused as to what you were trying to say, maybe an extra she or something. I think your description of the campgrounds is really strong. You don't go into great detail but the details you do give (the re-routed highway, abandoned ...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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