JRTurner's profile
AGE:
38
LOC: Wisconsin Rapids, WI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 20
LOC: Wisconsin Rapids, WI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 20
I am an award-winning multi-published novelist interested in supporting and working with new and established writers. I’m here to strengthen my craft, explore poetry and develop my short story abilities. My official site is here: http://www.jennifer-turner.com
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
6 Comments
College chums, pals, maybe cold-blooded killers. They take him from his dorm. Trash bag ties bind his wrists. Visions of putrid green dumpsters fill his mind. They pull a sham over his head, pull a scam on him, he thinks. His glasses fall and break, leaving a distorted view of the plaid inside the sham. The rumble of the car, the squeal of tires. Bouncing and jerking inside the back seat. Teeth snapping down on his tongue as his heart beats, ratta-tat-ratta-tat-tat. Glistening copper filling ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
4 Comments
College chums, pals, maybe cold-blooded killers. They take him from his dorm. Trash bag ties bind his wrists. Visions of putrid green dumpsters fill his mind. They pull a sham over his head, pull a scam on him, he thinks. His glasses fall and break, leaving a distorted view of the plaid inside the sham. The rumble of the car, the squeal of tires. Bouncing and jerking inside the back seat. Teeth snapping down on his tongue as his heart beats, ratta-tat-ratta-tat-tat. Glistening copper filling ...
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I would punch up the plot summary in your query. Try to make it come from the POV of the two protagonists in the story. Read the back cover blurbs of a few books similar in genre and make note of some of the snappy lingo they use. (Don't make it sound like an infomercial though.) Add more interest so it seems less like a listing of events and more like a compelling read. You are writing at a more advanced level than many aspiring authors, but I find that your focus seems to be more on words i...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
I love the concept of this. "Livid" is a great nickname for zombies. I like too, the set up of the Colonel and his conscript evaluating the scene of a dead man and the zombie woman in the honeymoon suite. You lost me though, with the opening and the syringe. I'm not sure I believe that the dead man was speaking to his family, it sounded more like a National Geographic or History channel monologue. For instance, something that monumental wouldn't need to be explained to his family--or what's l...
I like where you're going with this--the brief outline of a destroyed life and the wish to die, followed by the self-realization of the selfishness of it all. My fear though, is that it's too much "telling" for the markets these days. My suggestion: Instead of detailing how he lost his limbs, insteaad of detailing his relationship with Abigail--use the moment you've created to make this a very personal testament of his inner conflict. You've created an awesome set-up to bring the reader fully...
Very smooth read. I didn't find much in the area of grammar/punctuation that tripped me up at all, so I'm not going to address anything there. Where I see you could improve: It's a bit removed from Beverly's character, seems a tad more like someone else is telling her story. I think in flash fiction, because of the economy of words, it's important to make everyone of them especially important. I suggest working on the first paragraph, eliminating some of the visual illustrations that set the ...
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