I thought it was interesting that you put this under the "amuse/entertain/warm hearts" category as this piece has an obviously dark overtone. My heart was not warmed. However, my rebellious head was stirring with thoughts of what all your words were doing to me. I think your use of what I can only describe as spiraling consonance and assonance give a sense of swirling that it seems you are trying to convey in your meaning as well as your syllabification. I don't like the use of ampersands and...

Here's the thing about reading and trying to jive with something like this: it is not possible without context. Usually, with what has come to be referred to as stream of consciousness, there is a context of some kind in a work of fiction that illuminates the intent of the stream of consciousness writing. Which leads me to the problem of critiquing and trying to give an opinion from a critical standpoint of a work like this: there is no definition for stream of consciousness that is widely ac...

Well, you got basic rhyming down, so that is good. I can tell there is a lot of emotion in this poem, not a lot of structure. The rhythm is elementary and carries on like you are really trying to force a rhyme on each and every other line. I would take this and read it to yourself out loud and try to pick up on the extended lines like: "Precious sanity in life seemed to be absent from", which actually is the only line in this piece that doesn't rhyme. Remember, poetry focuses on the line, get...

Brevity for sure. These bits of expression still don't quite do it for me (that's just a personal thing) but I feel you chose effective words to communicate some of the themes of youth. Well done with such limited space.

I absolutely loved the description of the transformation of the character from an engorged glutton to a starving ascetic. What appropriate levels of description! - you give an fatty, hungry, and vivid image of the grotesque process of him devouring himself and an abbreviated, but poignant, telling of the stunted indulgences of the ascetic and his demise. I loved the image of him birthing himself from his rectum. Oh my god! So luridly disgusting. I cringed, I laughed, I shed a couple pounds.

How unduly cruel and misinformed so called "experts" can be when it comes to art - or rather what they do not consider art. They are much like murderers and often recoil and eat their words once the beauty of a work has been seen by the eyes of those open to its message.

I appreciated the method of representation - the timed blocks - it operates very well with the themes of police, firemen, the towers, - construction, operations, modus operandi - how it all happened minute to minute, covered on live television and separated into timed blocks. The innocence of the day is well covered in what would typically be daily activities and daily discussions and plans. The tragedy is slowly conveyed beginning with the chiefs face, and assurances to calm down and just pe...

perfectly vague. absurdist like stoic clown. - by way of heavens dragons, please, bring me a batch of chinese eggplant so that I might make eggplant parmesan with turkish kebabs and muslim women I pissed on my hands to keep them from getting chapped, perhaps your father should polish his shoes more often. would you like to meet my paraplegic girlfriend?

Your metaphors are incredibly lurid, intoxicating, and at times hard to digest. Much like she must have been, how tequila spins the head and peanut putter will stick to your throat. You are obviously gifted with your words and your vision of the character (or perhaps he is you) is conveyed with a depth of personal understanding that I found both profound and explicit. So often when poets are deciding how to describe emotional states, they use abstractions - you have not made this error and th...

I like the use of the themes of chaos and collision fueling your arousal. Also, the idea of deprivation from unwanted things. It appears at first to be sometihing of a comlaint against the thoughts, but after stepping back, I begin to think you are thankful. I think your punctuation is working against you, it doesn't seem to fulfil its purpose; to express the completion or continuation of the sentence. I couldn't tell whether or not to feel the pause at line breaks or punctuation points. I lo...