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Imadjinnation's profile
AGE:
31
LOC: Cold Spring, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 15
LOC: Cold Spring, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 15
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Items
Version 1
15 Reviews
6 Comments
3 a.m. Again. This hour and I are reaching an intimacy that borders on obsessive. After being unable to find a place to sleep early this morning after getting out of work, I took the subway back to wait for grand central to open. I have no problem walking in any neighborhood in this weather - no one is out unless they have to be. The subway stop is is like something out of one of my worst nightmares. I think every homeless crazy in New York is here for a convention. There is a man tearing new...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
94 Reviews
24 Comments
The smoking ban in bars has me irked on far more than a superficial level. As a smoker there's a slight annoyance about having to be outside to kill myself with two drugs at once, but I digress. Really, what's bothering me is the disinfection and homogonization of enitre culture. We are encouraged to excersize, engage is macrobiotic diets, clean up our homes, our lives ourselves. Antibacterial wipes for our homes; which actually contribute to illness because after you leave the sterile enviro...
Ratings & Rankings
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Reviews
There are far too many illogical words used here that inhibit the flow of the poem. Tassel, in either definition, makes no sense. How would a 'toxic jinx' reduce wisdom? How would vitality nauseate? 'didactic' implies something learned in class - most lessons in love are learned in the field. A lazy person wouldn't be inclined to put forth the effort to learn about love either in class or life. To 'retard' the heart would be to halt it's progress, which directly conflicts with the last line, ...
The twist at the end made slogging through the rest almost worth it. There's a great story in there, buried under a ton of exposition, redundancy, and a flatness of dialogue. Some polishing and development would make this really nifty though. I do like that you never tell your reader exactly what the brother/sister team are.
Many spelling and grammar problems. You are telling this story, not showing me what's happening, makes this a slow read. Either give each angel a personality now, or make them a chorus. The dialogue is a bland stating of facts needed to progress the story, without adding anything to the story itself. This story has been written many times before, which just means you have to write it better than it's ever been written.
There are some neat ideas and visuals here, but the spelling and grammatical errors hurt it a bit. Also, as is it comes off as being a little vague and preachy. I can go through line by line in comments if you would like.
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