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Hiranwa's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: Block Island, RI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 23
LOC: Block Island, RI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 23
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Items
Version 1
7 Reviews
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Two men shovel dirt onto a freshly dug grave. The taller, HUMPHREY, wipes his nose on his hand and then his hand on his overalls. His partner, BARRY, slaps him on the head. BARRY: Hey! HUMPHREY: What? Why'd you hit me? BARRY: That's gross, Humphrey. What coulda been on your hands, eh? HUMPHREY: Don't worry about it. BARRY: I shouldn't be the only one worryin'. HUMPHREY:Why? BARRY: We just buried a freakin' person, Humphrey! People are a nesting ground for disease. HUMPHREY: What about formald...
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Derick was sitting amongst the rubble and rat droppings of the loft in the Hideout, waiting for Eli and Delmsly to return with dinner. Emce sat fifteen feet below, on the main floor. Usually, when Emce wasn't talking and Eli was gone, silence reigned. Derick, however, was very hungry. "Hey Emce, how much longer till we're eatin? I'm starving!" Emce stretched with the luxurious and natural elegance of a jungle cat, slowly turning over his body to face Derick. "Ah damn," began Emce. He often b...
Version 1
1 Review
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Eli jumped the last seven rungs and landed heavily on his feet. Running to Delmsly he tugged his friend from the metal’s grasp, turned him roughly and looked into his eyes. “What is it?” Eli whispered urgently, as tears began to slide down his cheeks, “what is it? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” Delmsly looked downwards, towards his stomach. Eli followed his gaze, past his small chest, to where his left hand was grasping tightly to the skin just above his stomach. Between his thumb an...
Version 1
1 Review
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Truth and Anger fought and groped Upon the bedroom floor. While up above, a lonesome dove, Fear kept His vigil for something more. And on the lawn Reality, With steps forever weaving, Is dancing circuitous circles While History’s repeating. And deep below, where no one goes, Happiness holds seclusion, He pinches his hands, his face, his nose, Making sure he’s no delusion. Meanwhile, Despair holds parties, Within the dusty cellar. She laughs alone upon a throne Composed of noose and tether. Ou...
Version 1
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Farewell, my little dreamer, As into Nod you tread! Wandering the fens and dells of Dreamland, From the foot of your little bed! Hold tighter that bear beneath your arm, That doll within your hand! For they’ll come alive in the darkness, And you’ll form a merry band! But before you nod off on the pillow, Come by the window with me, And we’ll count the stars in the twilight, Hear the laughter of the moonlit sea. We’ll search the heavens for a new adventure, Sail the tides of the night, Make re...
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Reviews
While the words are powerful and I was certainly moved, I didn't have a grasp of what I was reading. I feel these ideas might come across stronger if they were conveyed in a lyrical or rhythmic form. I hate to say "be more standard", but perhaps find some consistency. Again, very moving.
This is a very vivid poem, and I must admit I had something of a visceral reaction to it. My only point of criticism (And it may just be a perspective thing) is the use of the word "Boredom" following such strong diction (rip, tear) I felt I wanted more force. If you're trying to accentuate the severity of the boredom, I suppose it could work.
Absolutely loved the scansion, the detail, and the flow. The only line that bothered me, perhaps because it seemed gutteral in comparison to the rest of the diction, was: "led there by that drunked whore." Perhaps it is the use of the word "that" instead of something more prophetic or lyrical in mood (although saying "the drunken whore" turns it into something of a farce.) Again, great poem. Just a suggestion.
The craft and technique are there, no question. The main thing that concerned me was the following: "A great question would be: What would you like me NOT to do in this position." I've always been taught to stay positive, and always act to the affirmative, as opposed to being negative. For example, don't ask questions that will have a lot of strong "don't" or "can't" answers. You want to be the person that leaves the employer thinking "will", "wants", and "can." Once you get the job you'll fi...
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