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Hesitant_Scribe's profile
AGE:
40
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 12
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 12
I write short stories, non-fiction and other bits and bobs. Currently writing a novel for my PhD which is taking up all of my time and has left me no time to post and/or review on Urbis.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time and trouble to review my work so far.
Hesitant Scribe at Blogspot
Items
Version 2
7 Reviews
3 Comments
In the beginning, when the first particles slipped into being with an audible ‘pop’, God rejoiced at what he had done, and after 6 days hard work, did sit back, a vision of serenity, to watch creation unfold… [Source: The Holy Bible, as transcribed by F. Dribbles, Founder: New Ageing Society of Ethelbridge, Cnn, USA. 1903, p.1] At least that’s what they’d have you believe. In reality, of course, it was very different. I should know. I was there. In the beginning, when the first particles popp...
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Version 1
7 Reviews
5 Comments
In the beginning, when the first particles slipped into being with an audible ‘pop’, God rejoiced at what he had done, and after 6 days hard work, did sit back, a vision of serenity, to watch creation unfold… [*Source: The Holy Bible, as transcribed by F. Dribbles, Founder: New Ageing Society of Ethelbridge, Cnn, USA. 1903, p.1] At least that’s what they’d have you believe. In reality, of course, it was very different. I should know. I was there. In the beginning, when the first particles* po...
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There is a strong sense of character here. I like the little details that give the reader a real picture of who the character is, such as; "I’ll use the dish liquid at the kitchen sink." I think you are aiming to create a stream of thought going through the character's mind, so in places, you could tweak a little to make things a little more realistic. For example, the line, "Phew! Where did he come from? I should be paying closer attention." Would he really say "Phew"? I hear him saying some...
Nice lyrics - reminds me of a Spanish song in which the lyrics go on about all her faults - and it really works. I wonder what sort of genre the song will be - I think rock would work well. Too slow and it might come across as too needy? Also you have a chorus - maybe you could add a refrain or bridge too? Just my thoughts - hope they help. it’s = its
Interesting piece - I think you're going more for the 'feature' side of journalism, and as such it needs to be much longer and have additional factual information. As an intro - very good. I'd add stuff about dependancy, co-dependancy etc. Language is good - some lovely phrases in there. Improvements: echos = echoes "shatters your world etc" is a cliche and best avoided - clearly you can come up with more original wording!
Confused, but possibly because I'm in the UK and not the most fashion orientated! Are Khakis a style of pant, and are all the pants in fashion in the States tan coloured at the moment?! And why is it 'pant' and not 'pants' - is this a US thing? That said - I like it. It has something to say about the fact that you can only buy whatever's 'in' at the time - this drives me nuts too - and the paradox of everyone thinking they are so individual when of course, they aren't! Love the imagery of the...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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