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Hasukawa's profile
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36
LAST LOGIN: April 03
LAST LOGIN: April 03
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Version 1
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Life is so much simpler in my dreams. I control the conversations, so they always Go as I want. Slipping through the seams Of reality, through all the hidden byways I live the life I want, not the one I have. In my dreams, the world is perfect, complete. Bigotry and prejudice are the shadows of the past. Education is treasured, an incomparable sweet To be savored. Relationships always last, Rather than fading at the first hint of trouble. Yet it never really lasts. It is an illusion. The drea...
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Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
You don’t know that I love you, but I do. I love everything about you. I love that You are so free and uninhibited. I love Your sense of humor. I love your music. I love to hear you laugh or see you smile. I love to daydream about the two of us Together floating on a lake, talking of both Everything and nothing. You don’t know. You don’t know that I admire you, but I do. I admire your strength and your composure. I admire the way you think. I admire all of The cute little habits you have. I a...
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Version 1
4 Reviews
2 Comments
The wee dark hours allow you to be. Hesitation fades away, and your true self emerges Wetly from the far recesses of your brain Slithering into the light, breathing life into Your hopes and fears. The wee dark hours sigh softly, whispering Into your ear, softly, gently, Filling you with terror or hope, Trepidation or courage. The voice of dreams. The wee dark hours dare you to exist, To challenge what you believe, what you know, What you love. Angel or demon, they taunt you With visions and d...
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I'd like to see the pictures that would go along with this. It is nice to see something that supports the men and women following their orders. I think the most effective pictures to accompany this would be a child's drawings. Break the first sentence into two separate sentences. Wish I could offer you more.
OK. This is really well done, and I was totally sucked into the story. The characters are very well-developed, and I could see them. The only real advice I have here is all about editing. You have some spelling mistakes, formatting issues, etc. that I am sure will be caught in a re-write. I look forward to seeing more of this.
To start, you definately need to intersperse the description with more dialogue. Also, decide how the angels are going to speak in heaven. Are they going to use the archaic "Thee" and "Thou" or not? It was disconcerting to hear them slip from an archaic mode of expression into something more modern. Perhaps to enhace Lucifer's separation from the others, they can use archaic expression while he maintains his modern sensibilities. Another reference for you: A Dictionary of Angels, Including th...
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I'm really not feeling anything here. Try to vary your sentence structure more. The beginning reads far too much the same. *Slamming back a shot of tequila*, I contemplated the bikini-clad beauty with raven hair reclining two seats away. Her bronze skin sparkled under the pounding rays of the mid-afternoon sun. *Lowering my sunglasses*, I brazenly checked out the tattoo curling up the back of her well-toned thigh. *Smiling in response*, she undid the top string holding the bikini top in place...
I am very intruiged by the subject metter you have chosen here, and I am anxious to see this as it develops. Re-check your comma usage. There are several places where you put in an unnecessary comma and leave out a necessary one. _For us, time meant nothing, and so we did not notice the subtle changes in our environment as time progressed._ Not needed after us. _He is elevated from hero, to good guy when he saves her and then_ No comma needed after hero, but it is need after her before and th...
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