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Hapless's profile
AGE:
33
LOC: Rockwell, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 03
LOC: Rockwell, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 03
i discovered years ago when i started using drugs that i had some hidden stream of words within me. since then i’ve learned that being in love is a much greater fountain to draw from. i have a Muse now, and i have never written such things. i love reading poetry as much as writing it. i joined this site that i may be inspired or inspire.
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Version 1
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On a day, groggy and old i wipe slumber away from a window pane, foggy and cold faintly i hear my weary eyes say that outside; my dreary daydreams stay. In the bed, where i'd hoped you'd be sleeping i see only what has brought this sullen afternoon to fall over weeping in the empty sheets were i had just lain is a deepening rut where i keep getting stuck but for to go out and shake off my doubt would be grand relief, if not for the rain so i'll stay in, in search of comfort, until i find that...
Version 3
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send away the pirates the pilots to die in the foreign war i watch them blazing planes fall from the sky drowning in flames all the way to the earth and no soul screams for their blood is burnt to dust on the warring front serenity is abound even as eardrums explode and ground rains from above even as machine guns rattle echoes of Death's cadence peace lies all about the battered field in pieces of so many lives, like shrapnel, in the dirt and for those whom Grace has taken captive tomorrow,&...
Version 2
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Speak young larva of wit's end show that my reality is just pretend wipe these lies from before my eyes and do, your daily suffering, thus defend tolerant maggot detail your corroded trail sludging the bottom of a dirty pot trudging ever through a myre of rot is there an end to your labor, mind-breaking chore? are you closer now than when you started before? say, how much more waste must you consume before from a pupa you may bloom? i say, without goal your search can only fail you ...
Version 2
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i often long to sneak off from the world and lay down on the bed within your breast to find there, that love is life unbound and it's breath is my soul's rest deep within love's rhythm is a healing power of ours we dance into each other to rebuild one another and bring life into these dead hours
Version 2
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i tour the stars in the sky above and wonder how they choreograph love will they soon open their study and show me the map divine that i may navigate a woman's heart in the dance to make her mine
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Reviews
very clever. Picasso said "art is a lie through which we intuit the truth". sorry, i can't offer much constructive criticism, your skill exceeds mine. but i was confused by the last line; "beats hammer out a lingering truth...." are you saying the underlying message of a poem is in its rhythm? other than that your message is clear
very sweetly expressed. you make me want to help you find your hidden song. if you know what your pain is it would help the poem. i sift through alot of these poems and many say things like "i hold the hurt inside me" but that just doesn't say much. i would say most artists, poets feel some pain inside them, and that's one of the reasons they do what they do. make me feel your pain and this sweet poem would be sweeter.
i would take out "I hope you don't have a problem with that" altogether or just start off with "i hope you don't have a problem with this" to let me know right away that you don't want to say these things. then use it only again in the end like you did. it's annoying reading that line so many times. if i were the guy you were writing this to i would leave you for saying "I hope you don't have a problem with that" so many times, before i would leave you for the other reasons you were selling. ...
i wouldn't use opposing analogies to describe the same personlike "I am strong you weaken me I am a wall you are a hammer" these lines contradict with these "I am pieces you are glue I am doubt you are hope" it doesn't work unless you justify the contradiction or use a "but, sometimes" which doesn't really fit in your work
i get what you're saying, your ideas are clear, but i feel like your talking to a psychologist, not writing a poem- maybe some words for aesthetic purposes or meter would help "I just hate being devalued by ministers …………where no one understands I love" what does that mean? maybe "when" would work better than "where" in that line.
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