Hakkason's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 04
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 04
Hi, I’m Ben, i love writing, and reading. This is usually restricted to sci-fi or the fantasy genre, this is simply because in my experience i enjoy those types of stories more.
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Version 1
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It was a long way down. Unblinking eyes stared down to the murky mass of foliage which shivered in the dead grey light. The bottle could have been an extension of his limp arm where it hung carelessly over the precipice. Nearly spent, it felt light to his fingers which clung to the bulbous lip of glass. Eyes made silver by the weak moonlight shifted to his left hand, taking in the travesty. Weighted oddly, The ring felt heavy on his index, the sapphire glaring accusingly at him as if outraged...
Version 1
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Ginger Will’s heavy breathing gave a rhythm to the group's tempo as they walked their horses towards the moonlit second gate. It too lay ajar, it’s large iron-studded doors inviting them inside. The ground between the outer wall and the second wall was a rock covered sandy expanse. The stones, varying in size from small smooth pebbles to rough boulders, had all been arranged in swirling patterns. The patterns interlocked perfectly with the ornate cobble paths that led to sheltered...
Version 1
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Itia Sergis wept as she sat alone in the threadbare drawing room. It had once been a prosperous family home of which she had ruled like a queen bee. Itia had not come from much and indeed the first time she had met Danjen it had been at sword-point and she had been forced to undress for his pleasure. ‘Woe to the vanquished’ he had said as he took her in the ruins of her childhood. Itia remembered the fierce joy in his eyes at the pain he must have seen in hers. The memory always m...
Version 1
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“Danjen” the name rolled off Major Leculo’s tongue making one of his men look up in surprise at the sudden noise. He dismissed the mans curiosity with a lazy wave. Captain Danjen, to be more specific, Leculo had even fought under him at one point during the second Obligus war. Having never met the man he couldn’t begin to judge his size or speed but everyone in the imperial army had heard of Danjen the Brave. A demon swordsman and the type of man you would follow into ...
Version 2
5 Reviews
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The square was at peace in the dusky light as Danjen stared out from behind the shutters. The broken fountain provided the only noise as it gurgled like a man gasping for breath. He remembered the days when it had been a pristine white marble construction, a larger than life version of the old Emperor. His hands, raised in triumph, had shot water so high into the air that the children had wondered whether it was ever going to come back down. It always did, what goes up must come down. That ma...
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Reviews
I like your interesting speeling of the word "thru" i feel that it lends the text some nice and well deserved originality. Interesting use of the conjunction if. Again this lends originality to your piece, it's as if you are writing in a fantastical language, of your own creation. An ecclectic lexical field adds to this, you start with physical if metaphorical things such as paths, shrubs and ink. Then move on to emotions and personal interactions, pleasure, despair and sensations. This contr...
Ok, im not entirely sure how you meant this quote but i have chosen to interpret it as though you are saying that one fear is as much the same as the next. Unhealthy but common fears are always interesting topics, nice little quote.
I really like the lexical (word) and semantic (word meaning) fields (groups of words) that you employ to give your audience a sense of place, "Shadow" "Doomed" "Brittle" "Whips". This is an important skill for any writer and one you seem to have nailed. You have successfully created an eerie atmosphere. One of your many wonderful phrases is "Soft, platinum light refracting" it bounces around my head in a very pleasant way. This piece acheives exactly what you want it to, i see no way of impro...
Nice piece, very evocative. "I've seen what its caused the the girls, who I consider women , because they were rapped... by their own mothers boyfriend,who she eventually left and decided to go back to him because she never stopped "loving" him." This is a key section of your piece and it is a bit bitty, great content but perhaps it needs to run more smoothly in the readers mind. I think that this would work better as two sentences, because you have five focuses. Girls-Women, Those women rape...
I like it, very poignant to modern adertising and the faceless people we supposedly can relate to. Short and snappy, definite usage in modern conversation.
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