hmmmmm...i liked your poem "out of control" much better. that was intense, and had substance to it. this one does too, but lacks the dramatic flair of the previous one. overall its clear, there are no issues with it but thats also a downer you know. from what i perceive i think you have that knack to make resonant statements which stick in your head- this one has feeling but the subject matter is too common place- emotions are emotions however and you cant change that, but i would have liked ...

wow..powerful piece, there are echoes of intense love and not just sexual attraction either. your words are strong : "a dreadlocked, handcuffed Venus:" is a brilliant line but you could do with an edit on : "and that Jebus left his marbles beneath the caramel crucifix and we see our sold-out country as a glass half-full of piss." using "and" twice corks the flow. you could use another word instead of and in the 3rd line. saying "Law is lower than love <<<<< edit the saying. "th...

The sweat soaked sheets tangled through your thighs>>>> tangled between your thighs would be more appropriate. sheets cant go through thighs can they? =) but thats an effective start up line- immediate attention is demanded. the first paragraph is almost picturesque, but the line 'i shake my head and zip up' brings you slap back into reality. you've mis-spelt "exertion" as "exhertion" and i would omit the word "like" in next stanza. "Except in monthly bedroom coitus," why don't yo...

hmmm...well i dont quite know what this is about but heres what you could do to improve this. "my hand does shiver">>> edit: my hands shiver. "my eyes are piercing fiery, red, flicker" >>>>>what are they piercing? maybe you could state that. but apart from that it flows pretty well...=)cheers!

haha not quite what i expected! i was almost expecting one of those cheesy rhymes and you know the likes...:P this poem...is powerful. i like it in fact! "So a kiss and a vow seals our fate condeming us to surpass the divine." alright!! this is what im talking about, tho youve spelt condemn wrong, this is love matey. powerful and as you said surpassing the divine. =) of criticism id say that at times its hard to get what your saying unless you read it again and thats all i can come up with bu...

hmmm well as for your criteria...i dont know how you could expand this into a book so i had to be fair and give you a five and that applies for criteria #2 as well. this doesnt count much for satire either..what are you satirizing? but yes, in your own way it is humorous, made me giggle a bit but not out loud...=) things you could work on: it was excessively pop cultured. it was almost exasperating in fact. of course i cant expect depth but it did go overboard, i was lost most of the time and...

nothing good happens after midnight? i disagree. the night has its own charm, you should not be afraid to seek it. theres more than gangsters and the likes in the world, have you ever stayed up listening to the crickets chirp?? its a different world out there, a beautiful world. as for the lyrics, i like the beginning: "As the night drips across the sky Like black paint on a wall" this is the best part but apart from that i didnt quite like it, not because i disagree with you, but simply beca...

hmmmm...this is based entirely on emotions, but what i found lacking was the fact that the loneliness was not brought out well. sure, shes lonely but the point is, why does she feels lonely? the bond between her and brian needs to be established. thats lacking, but on the whole you caught my attention. thats a good thing. the conversation needs work tho, “Um, you’re married, as you have forgotten.” that line could do with an edit, and theres a minor spelling mistake in the first bit. "you wer...

hahah i like this! the best bit was that i almost imagined the dialogue between the lady who i imagine is a black and a very old man behind the counter. its very imaginative. "wrinkling her nose in distaste at the high pitched tinkle of the golden bell above her head, as it announced her presence." this bit is a little wordy, but i can see that the "golden bell" is significant to this piece but that sentence is a little wordy. "violent molestation" hmmmm...husband wife squabbles? patriarchy? ...