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FunkMo's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Canada
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 04
LOC: Canada
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 04
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
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As I was freed from the earth, I remembered we had been here before. Thirteen months ago we weren’t as high, but at least then I could feel the wind breaking to smithereens upon my skin. The sky split; light burst at the seams of the clouds above me and pissed down below. I kept my fixated glare on the ground. The last thing I need is a vacation. Time off, time to think, time alone, and time awake. Awake again. It’s still difficult to breathe up here, but at least I’m no longer caving in. Per...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Arriving just past three in the morning, we step into the sun room of grand bend. We leave the room engulfed in moonlight and shadows as we move toward the bed closest to the open window. Her words spill out as if she’s done this a thousand times. The moon changes her eye colour: from blue to brown to hazel. Some people say their eyes are hazel, but I think hazel is a colour nobody can identify. Isn’t hazel just a type of nut anyway? Up until now, she had only been my Sunday Girlfriend, but i...
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
Awake in a supine sprawl Clinging all four corners of her bed As coffee bubbles in the background, That same seductive stride summons her, Undresses her robe and curls her beside me, Head on my chest, mug in my hand; Such are good mornings. Hesitant, I concentrate on breathing, Think about the evening prior: Splitting and stretching spinalis, Longissimus gentle and deft, A sight need experienced. I pay for it now in my thoracic vertebrae, Extending down its column. Her skin softly presses alm...
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Reviews
I apologize, but I am not a big fan of this one. To me, it is only confusing. Who "died happily"? Is the narrator a ghost? And does the confusion surround the crying (which would explain why "died happily" is a question)? I do like the subtle connection though between the three ideas of crying, confusion and death. Is this poem about the death of a loved one? But I think there could be some better word choices, especially with "now." Unless this poem is about life in general... we begin cryin...
Unusual vocab for a 16 year old I think: "the company parley’s on the box" (and parley is a verb here, not a genitive). I could maybe see her thinking a difficult word, but can't comprehend saving her tougher vocabulary when she's with her friend, especially in a nerve-wracking situation. Another read through would clear up a lot of spelling and grammatical errors such as: "Alex broke the silen ce with," and "I all that I needed was just the band-aids" I understand the narrator is young, but ...
For free verse, I think it's really well thought out. The switch back and forth to rhyme is somewhat awkward but not too much of a distraction. But the second last stanza stands out as maybe too much rhyme. Maybe if you went for an ABAB pattern then it would be more subtle, unless you see that stanza as being the most important because it sticks out the most. But I would argue that the last stanza is the most vital because that is where the large conclusion lies. And I think it is a very beau...
I like the circle motif but the pace seems somewhat awkward. Once the child grows up, his whole life is summed up in four or five lines. Maybe if some of the beginning was either scrapped or some of the middle fleshed out than it wouldn't be as awkward. But other than that, it is a fairly heart-warming version of the idea that the elderly are like children, but using the familiar metaphor of the circle of life. Nice work.
Intriguing how "failing life" precedes everything else. Even though there's assonance, the ideas don't seem to flow and connect with each other (life, success, therapy). But I must say that I appreciate your attempt at finding the ironies of life.
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