I like the phrase "strawberry moon," but after that the poem kind of loses me. I dunno...it reminds me a little of a New Agey Pagan poem, and if that's your thing, more power to you, but I'm not into that. I feel like you can go so much farther with images of the moon, the sense of intimacy, the sexual/sensual aspect. I'd really like to see this reworked, lengthened, expanded, and turned into something great, because I think you have the building blocks.

I like the dialogue a lot, and I like the rhetorical nature of it, but I think that the images you've developed seem a little cliche at times. The arguing couple and the car accident, for instance; that reminds me of a public service announcement, which doesn't appeal to or particularly affect me. So I think that if you try to make the little vignettes more visually original, you'll have something pretty awesome going on here. Although the superimposed "WE" sounds kind of...well, I mean, clouds?

I want to read it!!! Hell, post it here if nothing else! Change Liza to Eliza, since that was her name and so Liza just makes me think of Liza Minelli.

Brilliant! You've got a future, kid. You've got a bright, bright future.

i like what you're doing for here, but i feel like there are some things that you do that really aren't serving you well. the rhymes, for instance, do nothing for this poem. they seem out of place in the context of the whole and, in my opinion, actually weaken it. they're distracting. also "feeling like an old tired tree" doesn't work for me. simile in general is kind of anticlimactic and maybe just identify yourself AS an old tired tree. the image is clear enough for that. lastly, the "cough...

well oh my! i'm jealous of you! there's not enough of that in my life! i think this is a nice sensual poem, although there are lines where i think you're being too blatant--not because i'm at all opposed to things being graphic, but because i feel like it would serve you better to hold back a little or maybe be a little more figurative. also "peek" should be "peak." i like this though. sounds like a nice experience. i think your next poem should be more realistic though: 5 minutes and she's l...

I'm not sure what age group you're going for, but the first part seemed really sexual to me. Also, I would separate it into multiple paragraphs, make it read more smoothly. But that dirty Seth! Now I'm interested and want to know more. So good work!

This needs a lot more work. I think the first part needs more to it and this...well, I just feel totally lost. It's too short, we don't have any info about the characters yet--we don't even know who this is. Is it Seth or his girlfriend? And the werewolf? I need a lot more information in this one to be drawn into it like I was into the first part I read. This needs to be reworked, extended, given some exposition. You started really strong, but this doesn't live up to the expectations I had ba...

I don't think that radio friendly songs about abuse are fitting or particularly effective. If you're going to write about something deep and awful, I think you should write about it in a way that does it justice. There's nothing wrong w/ your rhymes or the format of your lyrics or anything, but it seems really gimmicky and, for me, that's an automatic station-changing signal.

I'm wondering what genre you're going for w/ this. It's too formulaic. You're writing about a junkie. It seems like an inspirational novel. But the chorus reads like something from a punk song. If you wanna write about drug addiction, I would suggest you write something a little more brutal and honest. This doesn't seem all that sincere (and I'm not saying you don't mean it that way, but it doesn't impact me at all). To me, it seems in the vein of "Meet Virginia" or something like that, and i...