Fresh_Fish's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: Framingham, MA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 11
LOC: Framingham, MA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 11
I’m from Boston. I’m a teacher. Writing is aspirin.
Items
Version 2
8 Reviews
0 Comments
When you’re a child, the scariest thing in the world is the monster under your bed. It’s even scarier when that monster is a living, breathing person. I was sixteen and I knew everything, except how to help my mother. She had taken it upon herself to save the world one person at a time and her latest charity case fast became our family’s worst nightmare. My ongoing fear was and is named, David R. Husband. Kristi and I whipped the front door open and went straight for the refrigerator. “Hey, M...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
9 Reviews
4 Comments
What desire hidden knows so well, disputed when the light was lit. But liquor lubricated tell, my touch had held you comforted. Though love and man did jade and turn, you gamble to advance, but forward? A chance would take to beauty feel on whim, makes the novice less a coward. So high command my thoughts and sheets, and words like pearls that crossed your lips. Eyes closed tightly now; admit defeat, to surprise unfurled by expert kiss.
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This was a truly entertaining bit of tongue in cheek satire and while humor may not have been the original aim, it's subtlety and unwavering wit played out nicely. The scene divisions were well placed and most possessed the sarcastic charm of the rest of the work although I'd consider making the first three divisions more in line with that sentiment. Some minor revisions: close to wings, a tiara and a joint.---- tiara, I don’t have an MA in Media Studies or something like that.---- something/...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Wedzell's character seems well developed for such a short scene. The boss and reason for the blowout are less important (especially because you are considering the piece flash) but I'm left feeling as though this is incomplete. It seems as though the driving for behind Wedzell's attitude is the contents of the glovebox. By alluding to its contents, the work would read much stronger.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Tragic subject matter with shocking presentation. It seems to be a Misfits thrash punk meets emo kind of lyricism. The third line should say his instead of is. I'd also consider tweaking some of the lines to keep the syllable counts matching in each verse. That would help with fluidity.
This was really unique and suspense building work. The idea of cologne as the trophy after a kill; to hold onto someone's literal essence is a great premise. Here are a few minor technical revisions to consider: and she was ready. God I hope the coffee is ready.---- saying ready twice in so short a space reads awkward. There should be a comma after God for direct address. after bar close one night---- after the bar closed how she preferred them anyways.--------anyway out of sight-----sight, q...
While it is admirable to use writing as a form of catharsis, a short story cannot be held us by it's author's emotional release alone. The first sentence is a bit hard to follow. It's missing a couple of commas and 'mow' seems awkward. The sentences to follow do little to form the framework of a story but do evoke strong feelings and a conjuring of vivid images. The writing itself IS good, I'm just not sure if it would be better characterized as poetry.
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