First, if you're aiming for ten syllables per line you start off with too many - lines 1, 11, 13, and 33, have 11 or more. I think the digression to the socks, and the "football season pass" sort of comes out of left field. Also, the "moldy mold" is redundant; perhaps another adjective? All things considered I'm impressed. I love forms and here is one I've been daunted by since Creative Writing I where I first learned of its existence. I love sonnets and villanelles, but here is a feat! I thi...

This is way too short. There is far too much going on here and the reader is getting a very limited flow of information. There are huge chunks of almost all the basic story elements missing here. The characters are established well, but I know nothing at all about any of them except what I can devine from the dialogue and limited text. There is so little story that it is hard to tell what is going on. Thematically, I can't tell if you're actually dealing with anything of substance or not. Eit...

I think the use of one period necessitates the use of others. It could be that I'm a fan of punctuation and not convinced of it's occasional usage as a poetic device, but rather adhere to it's consistant usage to help clarify and organize your thoughts, or just that I think it would in this particular circumstance, either way, the solitary period at the end of this just makes the lack of punctuation in the rest of it stand out. Also, in the last line I think "begins" should be "begin" or tha...

I always find these attempts at discussion without offence amusing. People will always be offended, it's how one deals with offence thatr is the true testament of character. I happen to believe much that you do not. I would discuss anything with you and may end up offending you as a result. AS a apiece of writing, this is a littel standoffish due to your fear of offending people who you are bound to offend anyway because you're dealling with loaded subject matter. Therefore take a stand and d...

"There" is a place. "They're" more than one. "Their" possessions. Please know the difference. Other typos include: "But I guest" should be "guess", "screaches" should be "screeches", And you ask a lot of questions that don't have question marks. Almost all the imagery is predictable to some degree, as well as the descriptive language. I didn't really get much of you out of this. I think you need more specificity, apart from names without character. All matters of the heart have potential to b...

I think the overall metaphor is a little difficult to connect to, perhaps just for me, as I'm not much of a baseball fan, but even knowing of the attempt It's a stretch, so without the notes, I'd be lost, or you'd have struck out, or I would have... either way, it wouldn't have been much of a game. I like the attmept of an over-arching metaphor. I just can't relate well to this one in particular. There's something awkward about the first stanza, subject verb agreement perhaps? Having the last...

The content of this is dogmatic, pointed and divisive; I didn't enjoy the story at all. As a screenplay (and a story) it's a little flat, and there's little new, inventive, or innovative in it to set it apart from any other anti-religious tirade. I would also recommend a proper formatting program (Celtx is great and free) to get the layout to correspond with industry standards, especially if you're planning to shop this and are seeking any external production assistance. Obviously all reviews...

Perhaps it's the formatting, but this seems like an awkward read. There are elements of the story that are a little jumbled and disorienting. You could pare it down a little more if it needs to be shorter. This is probably too late in coming, but if the contest is specific to the subject matter I think it was put together well enough to waylay the climactic confession until the end and take your reader by surprise. The conclusion is a little hurried, if not wholly inconclusive, and if you suc...

ABAB rhyme-schemed four-line stanzas without any encompassing form to rein them in make for a sort of sing-song refrain type rhythm that is hard to hold on to in the end. Or so I find. I like the theme and think the subject matter could be formed into a great sonnet or some such should you wish to play with it a little more. Cheers. - Foster

I think you mean "distant" in line one. Also, semi-colons " ; " are used to join two relating complete sentences. Yours are missing verbs in the foremost clauses for the most part and should be one sentence. At other times you abandon punctuation altogether, so consistency would improve the readability of the piece as a whole otherwise, it's solid imagery and a good relatable narrative.