Felysa's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Pleasant Prairie, WI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 28
LOC: Pleasant Prairie, WI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 28
I was ten when a story captured me, although I didn’t put it into words until years later.
My dad built a house in a nice neighborhood. We had achres in the back that included what the kids called, the swamp and the forest, which neither were true.
On one of my many walks through the swamp I came across a cat. It was hanging from a branch by the neck with a shoelace.
I was alone, there, when I cried. I climbed the tree and untied the dead cat. On the ground I covered it with leaves and sticks.
I came back to check on him everyday. I watched as the maggots decayed him, and as the snow froze him. I watched until the dead cat was no more.
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Angelica walked home slowly wondering about the news from the pharmacy. She spent most mornings there helping Dr. Jones and he repays her with soda and ice cream. Dr. Jones ran the pharmacy in the heart of town. Everyone made their way in there sooner or later. News traveled fast in a little town, and the pharmacy was the best place to get it. She overheard Mrs. Wellington tell Dr. Jones about the girl from the far end of town. ...
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The air smelled of the salty bay as the girl walked swiftly down the curved road. The morning dew blanketed the grass among the rocky hill. The atmosphere was thick, the girl had to concentrate to breathe. The sound of the lapping waves of the bay breaking upon the rocks was all that she could hear. Even the birds among this hill were silent, if there were any at all. Only a few solemn trees were resting upon the hill's face. The g...
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"“But what I was thinking about,” she said" - Wasn't he commenting on what he was thinking about "let the words out" - HE let the words out "her wrists hitting the surface level" - this is awkward for me "liked how it sounded" - 'She' liked how it sounded
I liked how you worded your story. There are a few instances within the story that were a little confusing to me; "Grief for the pain she lost" "She faced him up." "courage she can muster"
"She was on a date." You've already said this in the previous paragraph. Mira is flighty, but some experiences showing how flighty she was in the past might help readers understand why she left the coffee shop.
"He wanted the curves to be just right. He wanted the smell of the hardwood to be just right." - maybe reword the second just right. I would like to know more about the man's life.
"Beyla’s and I villa" - This is awkward, I would use 'our' "incase" - this should be two words
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