Enigma28's profile
AGE:
17
LOC: Australia
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 14
LOC: Australia
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 14
I am what I am…..does that help?
I’m a very driven person. I love being told a can’t do something because it only makes me want to do it more, it’s a great motivator. My work has come along in leaps and bounds since I’ve been using this website. All of those comments, whether positive or negative have been a huge help in shaping me as a better writer. My story is dark, it’s about terrible people doing terrible things and worse people trying to find them. But it’s a story of many layers, with so much back story unfolding as the novel goes on. But as dark as it is, it’s also lightened with great wit and a strong sense of black humour so to speak. And under all the hard layers is a heart warming story about loyalty, heartbreak and the fr…
Items
Version 2
7 Reviews
4 Comments
Chapter 3 Federal office buildings San Diego California From 4.00pm December 11th 2002 Warm wind whipped the hair from Chris’ face onto his back, the sound of his Honda blackbird roaring in his ears. He took in the dry Mexican scenery as he headed back to the US border. Suddenly a girl stepped out into the middle of the deserted road, her clothes were torn and blood covered. Chris slowed the bike until it stopped meters away from the girl. He stepped off the bike and took his helmet off...
Version 1
7 Reviews
16 Comments
Kings Storage garage, California July 16th 1998 7.12pm Trish pushed the blood covered blindfold onto her forehead with her bound hands. Her eyes took a moment to adjust before she started to make out objects in the small dark room. Each wall was concrete and the only exit was a garage door to her right. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead and onto the tip of her nose just as she heard the sound of keys jingling outside the door. Trish knew who was standing behind the door, the same man w...
Version 1
6 Reviews
9 Comments
Chapter 2 Balboa Park San Diego California From 9.00pm December 10th 2002 I made my way down to the crime scene, my feet sinking in the mud as I walked. My partner Chris Chambers and boss Ron Kennedy walked at my side. An area of bustling men and women gave the otherwise quiet park life. Freezing wind bellowed into my jacket as I spotted the yellow and black crime scene tape where the victim would be. ‘Agent Sloane Conway, FBI.’ I said as I flashed my badge at the young male cop...
Version 4
7 Reviews
15 Comments
Chapter 1 Abandoned warehouse, San Diego California December 8th 2002 ‘Do you know who I am?’ Chimera asked as he paced the room, his large feet echoing on the rotten wooden floorboards. He looked at the small boy. His eyes, although immobile, screamed fear and agony, a feeling Chimera himself had lived with for the last four years, and they were the years he remembered. He picked up the Zippo. You are Joannie Sceats,, never change, Love Raven. Chimera studied the engraving. Good old Joannie,...
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Reviews
I must first say well done, I found no grammatical errors at all. Most of the way through this I was reminded of the Catcher in the Rye, all theoretics and no action. That is until I got to the end, it's very interesting that you should end what seems like a very promising and pleasant piece with such darkness. Some parts of your narrative almost read like poetry which adds to the 'prettyness' of the story. I only had one issue with the piece, you use the word 'Pang' on several occasions as a...
twisted and turn - twisted and turned town hasn’t change - town hasn't changed I almost...each house. - Change this to 'I was almost able to name the neighbors as I passed each house' It flows better. I know I wasn’t at the wrong place - This sentence goes into two tenses. It should either be 'I knew I wasn't at the wrong house. or 'I know I'm not at the wrong house' I suggest you use my first option because that is consistant with the tense before it. Great ending. Leaving the reader hanging...
Well, that would - I think if you Omitted 'well' then that sentence would have a lot more impact. wife beater - I'm Australian so I know the slang, but a lot of other places wouldn't have a clue, if you plan on marketting this to a wider audience I'd suggest you change it to singlet top - but it's not that important right now. Now, this wasn’t - I suggest omitting 'now' like before it makes the sentence have more impact. But, if this is part of your characters voice, I suggest you do this a b...
bad.” I - should be a comma after bad. Is this life just God dreaming? - certainly an interesting premise. This is an interesting piece. At first it comes across quite incoherant but I understand this is probably stylistic. The only thing I can pick on is the above. Lovely read
Right off the bat I'm assuming everything in lower case is stylistic - otherwise you have some serious grammer correction to do. them. but - don't start a sentence with but. Either put a comma after but or change the sentence around so that the next line doesn't start with but. dear," - full stop after dear. You start off in past tense and then change to present tense. 'my fingers left me today' and then 'she has always' evening. with - change this sentence to 'the sky was red with a touch of...
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