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DragonFire's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Colorado Springs, CO
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 02
LOC: Colorado Springs, CO
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 02
I love to write. I tell stories because i love it. I figure that since i have these stories in my mind… it is time to share them.
Also I have a few health problems that make normal life difficult, and writing is one of the things that I can do dispite my problems. Writing lets me do something without pushing myself to far.
Writing is what I do.
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Version 2
8 Reviews
3 Comments
Evil, a force which at times seems unbearable. There are those who are consumed by it, those who give up hope at let it rule them, then there are the few who, although live in an evil world, are untouched by it. Seven of the untouched, must become one with the land, touched by evil, in order to defeat it. The second of these chosen seven, is Lyllian Sintral, Chosen Child of Water. To understand her story, however, we must understand the beginning, when the world was light and the 6 lands of ...
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his lips were taunt and menacing, and his eyes glared red in the darkness. Evil was near, something even more deadly then himself lurked behind that sliding glass door before him, he just wished he knew what it was. this is what first caught my intrest to be honest. I here evil adn darkness and I'm like oooh. so what had him out, on a dark and dreary night, staring up at the old Victorian home before him? you don't need a comma between out and on. She replied as she gently closed the curtain....
Okay, first, you potential for a great story but there is nothing to grab or keep the readers intrest. You need to find a way to pull the reader in and keep it. Other then that it was good and I liked it. Sorry no examples, for its the whole thing.
The dust-grey road and the lonely, wind-bitten meadows enclosing it became indistinct, seemed to merge. I don't think seemed to merge should be here... it sounds ackward Its a litlle choppy, You say this, plus this, and this in one sentance. Sorry I don't have example but I couldn't find it a second time. besides teh flow it was good
In the vast undergrowth of the wild, a girl lurked beneath the heavy canopy’s shade while remaining in cover as to not expose herself to what may find her as prey. This sentance is too long. Try to shorten it or puta comma or semi colon. This piece was good, and the above was the only problem I noticed. A bt of advice, try to stay away from the following words: Was, is, were, as, then, suddenly. With out these your story will be even better. Just soem advice from one writer to another.
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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