DharmaBum's profile

Haha....this was such an amusing story. And your storytelling skills are right up there with Erma Bombeck. I can't critique a piece that is flawless. I will say that you brought a smile to my face.

These lyrics are very well written, and have stood the test of time. The temptations of which you speak have sent my mind reeling (mostly because I grew up in the same era.) I especially like the imagery of the eyes. Winters words and sheltered secrets. Sorrow, secrets, harm and temptation make a powerful statement in one set of lyrics. I do believe a short chorus would break up the last two stanzas nicely. Even one line.

A beautiful piece of work. A lovely tribute to your father. I can see nothing structurally or gramatically wrong with this poem. Without your explanation that it was written for your father, I would have maybe interpreted it in a different way. What I mean by that is that the theme is universal. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your poem is filled with angst and love, and very well expressed.