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Devaki's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: Philadelphia, PA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 07
LOC: Philadelphia, PA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 07
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Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
I visited the old stone bridge yesterday The familiar moss covered stone Gone green with age and slippery with yesterday’s rainfall Digging deep into the cracks to find traces of you The scent your perfume wafting up through memory Roses and vanilla mixed with something spicy Years ago that fragrance could bring me to my knees Now it turns my stomach with regret The day you asked me to meet you here I knew you’d ask too much of me And while you waited under the stars With romantic...
Version 1
28 Reviews
5 Comments
I watched the flame on the strawberries and cream jar candle on the bedside table dim to an ember and extinguish itself. The display on the alarm clock read five o’clock in the morning, its menacing red numbers casting odd shadows against the wall. Sitting up, I reached for the dress I’d thrown haphazardly to the floor a few hours earlier. Even though she didn’t speak, I could feel Anna watching me from the other side of the bed. The air was thick with the weight of unspoken thoughts, hers a...
Version 1
7 Reviews
2 Comments
Sister at Arms I hear your rebellion blaring down the street Search for liberty from the chains of femininity Shoulder the weight of oppression Just to show your strength Wearing other women’s battle scars To bear witness to the struggle And to prove that you believe Sister at Arms You offer up your unconceived children On the altar of pseudo-equality And seduce women to prove That we’re just as good as men Looking over your shoulder At the feminist icons of our past To watch them roll over i...
Version 2
9 Reviews
5 Comments
I feel you looking at me when I enter the room, searching in me for something to hate, some remaining follicle of my past indiscretions, but I’m not her. I’m not the woman who stripped you down to bear bones, broke you open to suck out the marrow and spit your shell on the sidewalk. I’ve never been one to force the bend just to hear the sound when you break, but you’re right about one thing - I can be cruel. I’m the type who’ll reach my fingers inside, scratch my nail over the nerve to expose...
Version 1
16 Reviews
12 Comments
I’m in a committed relationship She says to me, pulling a tank top on over her naked breasts I prop myself up on one arm lazily Sprawled across the bed Like the Cheshire cat with a belly full of milk I say I know She tells me he’s a contractor Points out the little white line on the third finger of her left hand That I noticed after about the second drink And tells me they’re getting married in December A Christmas wedding The bridesmaids are wearing red dresses with white fur trim And carryi...
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Reviews
This is a pretty amazing piece. It's difficult to write on topics like these but you do it so well. The strangely seductive tone of the poem captures perfectly that confusing place that's somewhere between horror and learned-response pleasure. I relate. Bravo. If you plan for publication, consider re-working the first and second stanzas to be entirely first person. It might be more powerful if we pick up from the start that the speaker is the subject of the abuse.
I always prefer to start out with the positive. You've got a really good technique. The dry humor as Karpathian takes inventory of his senses and physical capabilities speaks to your ability as a writer. That being said, it's a pretty good rule of thumb (and I'm sure you've heard it before) that your book probably starts 10-15 pages after you started writing...and ends about 10 pages before you stop. I think that's the case here. Your pitch letter drew me in. I'm more of a fantasy than sci-fi...
It's ironic that you say you have no philisophical insight as it seems that's what the character is attempting. You may have the barest bones of a story or character here, but this incarnation needs quite a bit of work if you want to do more than post it on an internet writers group. First, even day in the life pieces typically have something resembling a plot with a beginning, middle, and if not an end at least a place to leave off. Your character spends two paragraphs trying to get out of b...
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