Davison's profile
AGE:
30
LOC: New Caledonia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 20
LOC: New Caledonia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 20
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Bud leans against a concrete pillar, practically invisible within the dim light of the enclosure yet ever so aware of a million eyes unseen, for as yet he has never killed a man. Bud wipes a drop of perspiration from his forehead. Salvatore Basso exits the elevator, begins a stuttered stroll toward his car. He does not look left, he does not look right – paranoia has long ago been sent packing, along with fear and indecision, weakness all – upon reaching the drivers side door rea...
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Version 1
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Bud leans against a concrete pillar, practically invisible within the dim light of the enclosure yet ever so aware of a million eyes unseen, for as yet he has never killed a man. Bud wipes a drop of perspiration from his forehead. Salvatore Basso exits the elevator, begins a stuttered stroll toward his car. He does not look left, he does not look right – paranoia has long ago been sent packing, along with fear and indecision, weakness all – upon reaching the drivers side door rea...
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Version 1
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Bud leans against a concrete pillar, practically invisible within the dim light of the enclosure yet ever so aware of a million eyes unseen, for as yet he has never killed a man. Bud wipes a drop of perspiration from his forehead. Salvatore Basso exits the elevator, begins a stuttered stroll toward his car. He does not look left, he does not look right – paranoia has long ago been sent packing, along with fear and indecision, weakness all – upon reaching the drivers side door rea...
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Great seat as she weaves, dives beneath the sheets, writhing and grinding and growling away. Feminine wile, &nbs...
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As I enter the party the first sight that greets me is a female face – red and wet, tears cascading – knelt over a fallen boyfriend, unconscious yet still stoically clutching a half bottle of rum. I nod to a stranger – like myself, young, male, tan – we note our shared appreciation and move on. The atmosphere is best described as ‘insomnia approaching insanity’ as while lamps provide shards of light in distant corners it is possible to float from one room to another with a sense of anonymity....
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Loved the poem, especially the final line "transient barbs,". Brilliant. Really enjoyed this, keep up the good work
You have a good grasp of story and the have made quite a decent fist of the basics of the craft, overall however I believe this could be improved if edited slightly. The sultry nature of the tale could be vastly improved if the words flowed, there are some 'clunky' moments where the wrong word choice halts the flow of the narrative and takes the reader out of the story. I would also advice considering the man's name for his member, there needs to be consistency within the narrator's thought p...
I like the repitition of 'Silly Young Girl' at the head of each section ... look at you, do nothing all day, I feel sorry for you ... there is a nice sense of progression even if it is progression downward. My only critique would be that this poem would be improved perhaps if edited upon being read aloud, then and there it may become apparent that there is a lack of rhythm at times which conflicts with the flow of the poem. A nice effort though.
Very impressive. I really liked this short story, there is a range of expression and a confident touch that makes it a joy to read. There are a couple of lines especially that warranted rereading - always a sign of a well measured phrase. "Uncle Harry was a sozzled cheater." and "He never lit that fag ..." give an impression of character in such a short space that I really like, I always find a punchy, sharp sense of character more elegant than a longer description, and in a weird sense it al...
I really enjoyed this, it seems like a rather obvious metaphor on reflection but you pull it off very well. The word 'longing' seems out of place somehow, this could just be me but perhaps that could be improved. Also "And are taken by the tide." could perhaps be "are taken by the tide." Look forward to reading more of your work
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